A woman made of Iron.

It's been a while since I've had any thoughts, any emotions. I've been doing pretty good, or maybe just realizing that it's all about to come to an end. (God willingly) but honestly I've been having a wonderful week. I've traveled to Fresno & Los Banos where I was surprised with my dear friend Steitz. She brings joy in every shape or form. She makes you have a night to remember and just keeps you focused on the good things in life. It was also fun meeting up with people from high school, I know many people don't like going back to LB and have a billion and one bad things to say about it but I enjoy it, so much. Especially having the wonderful people who surround me when I'm there.
Tonight I met a woman who has been there with me since I've started
Writing this blog, someone who has lifted me high, in spirits and in hope. She always knows just what to say and she's very very strong. It's like you think you've met the strongest woman in your life, she's triple that. She looks amazing and happy and so faithful and believes in God. It amazes me, someone who's been through so much, could smile and welcome you in with open arms. I could go on for days and days, I could also give you a list of things she bought Malia. Not even knowing us physically or for a long time, she has shown so much support and has so much love in her heart for not only myself but Malia, thank you God for all that I have gone through because I have met the most incredible people during this journey and it's so wonderful, that I am truly blessed.
Linda Contreras- thank you for allowing my mom, Malia & I to come into your home and share stories of our experiences, to make us dinner and dessert and to be so kind. To find it in your heart to smile and believe in me and make me feel like I'm special. I love you so much and I hope today wasn't the 1st, or the last time we ever see each other.

Whoever is reading this know that God is the most realist man ever. No matter how much you're hurting, how much you've suffered or if you think nobody understands. They really really do. And maybe that person or those people haven't found you, or opened up their arms to protect you, lift you up or be there when you need them the most. Doesn't mean they aren't real or they aren't
Coming.. Or they don't exist. God is working on a plan for you and he will be there when you least expect it. You just gotta have faith. You gotta keep believing and knowing that the worse is almost over and that you don't have to fight alone or pretend like you don't have something. You don't have to be strong all of the time. Life is going to be hard, life is going to hit you when you least expect it but you gotta keep moving forward and you have to continue to fight. Put your mind to something and then all things are possible. Just because you have an illness doesn't mean you stop living, doesn't mean you hate life because of it. You have to be better than that. You have to take the hit and get back up, because god always has a plan, but the right plan. That will come when God knows you're ready and want to take his hand.

"It takes a strong woman to endure the pain we have, it takes a good woman to accept it and it takes an even better woman to live with it and move on"

Having a 3 year old.

So, today I finally found myself the time and the courage to sit down with Malia and explain everything.. Having a 3 year old in my life through this entire journey is the best thing I could of been blessed with but also an even bigger challenge.
I'm trying to explain that this disease was intended for good things and not bad. I don't ever want her to look at this as if it's something we hate, or something we are angry at... In her eyes I want to be nothing less than strong and in her eyes, I want her to tell the world a story, but a good one of her childhood.
It's crazy how much she has learned from this, how much she has dealt with and she's only 3 years old. She was always in the restroom with me, running to find a stall and having to stand in a public restroom and not touch a thing.
There were days when she would see me throwing up and hours later we would find her pretending to throw up as well, gagging into her princess toilet and all she ever wanted was to be like mommy. She never knew I was sick or that she wasn't suppose to be doing that, but through this illness she has grown into a mature 3 year old. She knows mommy is sick and she's willing to do anything and everything in her power to help her mommy.
So today we sat down and I thanked her and hugged and told her that Mommy is almost better. You know what her response was? "Mommy, now that you are better can we go to the toy stores and can we go to the beach?" I laughed and my eyes become very watery. Yes, Malia we can go and do anything you want. I'm always going to be here, and I'm sorry I missed your birthday this year because I was sick. She looked at me with her beautiful, big eyes and said, "mommy,
I had the best birthday this year, lots
Of presents, a jumping thingy and cake. Destiny, Issy and Peter were there." She didn't even realize that I had to make it up to her weeks later because I missed the actual day being hospitalized and that killed me. All she knew was that she had a wonderful birthday.. And mommy was there for her.
I even mentioned to her that my bag was coming off and it won't be there in a few weeks, she asked, "Where is it going?" Seriously the cutest response ever. I just said it's going away. Hopefully forever but if not, it's okay.. We will deal with that when the time comes but for now, We will say good-bye and we are going to be happy and mommy is going to be better. She then asked, "Do we still have to go to the doctor?" Yes, Malia but only for a little while and then hopefully mommy won't have to go so much. She said, "Yay!"
Whoosh, am I glad that went well. She handled it so nicely. And here I was freaking out, almost sitting in a puddle . She then grabs my face, kisses me and says "I love you, everything gonna be okay mommy." Where the heck does she get this from? I ran to the bathroom, pretending to wash my face because tears were running down my Cheeks. Thank you God for blessing me with such a beautiful, understanding and smart baby-girl. Malia without you, none of this would have been possible. The strength I have is because of you. One day, this will be past us both and mommy will be able to go to all the toy stores and beach without having to rush to a restroom, or lay in bed all day because she's in pain, or rush to the hospital and leave you for weeks. I love you Malia Renee'. You are my backbone and the heart to my beat.

Struggles & everyday.

Last night I couldn't sleep, the pain and the itch was to the max. I found myself too tired to change my bag, so I took Benadryl and after 45 minutes the medication kicked in and made me extremely sleepy and I ended up passing out. Thank goodness. Here is what I have to deal with daily and my supplies. I think I need to learn to be a little more organized but my system is working out well for me right now.

Hope everyone has a great day! Xo

I think i'm having a bad case of---PostSURGERY Depression.

I want thoughts to come pouring out but nothing seems to come to mind. I'm happy most of the time and knowing my surgeries are coming to an end, I'm even more happier. Who wouldn't be? But I'm getting nervous again, this time around.
I might get very graphic in this blog. But it's how I truly feel and my soul-purpose for this blog is to really just be myself and to let it all go. Once I'm done writing I feel like a part of me is free-again. Like I can go on with my day, my week, my night, and hopefully after all of this has past I can go on with my life.
I think or should I say I know I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of letting Malia down and my family because if I let this disease define me and take away my character I'm not being true to myself and I'm not living.
I don't want to wake up one day and be disappointed in my decisions. Like was this surgery in the best interest for not only me but Malia. I think yes? Or I else I wouldn't have done it. BUT what if my j-pouch doesn't succeed. What if I'm not strong enough to handle it. I'm having dreams about this--all of the time. What is wrong with me? And they are usually dark and scary dreams. Who in thier right mine just dreams about this stuff? It's so weird to me, and I just want them to go away.

After surgery #2. I have a list of complaints and I want to share them because if I don't then I'm not being true to myself and to all of you. I hated it and everything that it has become to this point. For example: My Stoma has been giving me problems since day one. I can't seem to keep my bowels solid, just per liquid. I'm constantly having to use the restroom and emptying my bag, it makes a lot more noise this time around and the gas is extremely annoying. There will be nights ill wake up and my bag is full- to the max and hard as a rock. Many many leaks and I feel this time around it smells more. Like everyone around me can smell it. Maybe that's just me, but the itching under the bag isn't. And it's so frustrating. I'll catch myself, itching or patting my skin in public and I hate that. I feel this time around everyone can notice my bag. I use to change my bag every 3-5 days, most of the time I was able to get away with 5 days and that was amazing; however that isnt the case this time. If i go 2 days, my itching and rash become unbearable and I just want to scream. The stoma this time around has two openings and one leads to my j-pouch. I guess I could use medical terms but I'm writing this blog so that everyone can understand in my terms. One hole produces mucus and the other is where my bowel comes out of, so some nights I have accidents which are extremely weird because it's just clear-liquid coming from my behind. (I'm trying to remember not to say BUTT because then Malia laughs.) but I guess that's just the mucus but it's uncontrollable at times, which makes me nervous because I dont have control of it all of the time and i'm just worried that's how it's going to be once I get my j-pouch connected.
When I made the decison to do the surgery I was ready for anything. Before surgery 2 I could have lived with my ostomy bag for the rest of my life, no complaints, but this time, I dont know if i'm just weak or if it's just getting a little too much to handle. The recovery period for surgery 2 was a piece of cake especially when you have A mother named Lucy & an aunt named Jackie.
But seriously, the after effects of this surgery just makes me want to lay in bed all day. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything. There are days when I dont even want to get dressed, only by force. It's just tiring, and frustrating to have to put on clothes and fear everyone can see your BAG.
My follow-up appoinment after surgery was awful. I got really bad anxiety because I knew the procedure involved putting something in my anus and I dont like that. My last doctor would check me every 4 weeks and it always put me in a bad mood. Dr. Fleshner warned me that once I get my j-pouch i'll be having that procedure done every 3 months. GREAT! I'm jumping for joy right now. NOT. But I guess i'll learn to enjoy it, deal with it and move on.

Today a wonderful lady sent me this:

"Always remember you are braver than you believe, Stronger than you seem, Smarter than you think & Twice as Beautiful as you'de ever IMAGINED."

I'll hold on to that for a very long time, because I dont think i'm brave, I think I was given this illness as a punishment in life, I'm not strong, I cry most of the time, I think i'm pretty smart if I apply myself. And I lost alot of my confidience to even believe or think I'm beautiful. ---- But give me one minute to explain myself. That's how I thought before people started reading my blog and that's how I felt when I was sick and alone and going through this all by myself. I didnt know or think people could ever understand what I was going through. Just thought "Oh poor me, i'm sick." BUT with all this amazing support and the strength it has given me. I do think so much differently now.
And I know i'll be that person to believe those things one day, like that quote. Once this month is over I will be complete again. I will look past all of this and thank every single one of you personally for being by my-side through this journey. I dont care what it takes, or if I get a writers cramp. I'm just amazed. GOD is the most powerful and wonderful man to make me feel like i'm on cloud 9 with the people that I have in my corner and that are rooting for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For giving me the strength to wake up in the morning and fight, fight, fight.

Keep calm or else you get Ulcerative Colitis

I haven't wrote a blog in a few days which feels like ages. I think I've been kind of trying to block out the fact that I'm dealing with any of this. But I have my low moments. Lately, I've felt quite numb to it all and I feel sort of depressed. I shouldn't even use that word because I'm pretty sure that isn't the right one because I don't think I really truly can say I'm DEPRESSED. That is such a strong word. I just feel hopeless and helpless at times. I have so many people doing for me and I always kind of wonder if they get tired of it. . . .
First, it was Malia's father who went above and beyond for me. I always ask myself and replay our last 3 years together and how much stress and strain my illness was on our relationship. Makes you wonder if that's why we didn't make it. I know you should always be there for your significant other, but I know I lost who I was in the relationship. I wasn't fun anymore, I wasn't Kayla.
Second, it's my mother. She has been working her butt of to make sure her hours are enough so that I can have insurance. She hasn't had a vacation because her time off was saved for me and nights spent in the hospital. She just does so much and I feel like quite a burden at times. She has a sick child. It takes a strong and incredible woman to be by your child's side through it all. I just hope it isn't too much.
Third, there is my Tia Jackie. She always doing and doing. An angel you would call her.
Fourth, Julia the neighbor. She's been here through my journey.
Fifth, all of you. Reading my blog and telling me what a strong woman I am, and how you feel about me.


It is so amazing the support and the way my loved ones and complete strangers make me feel. But I just hope nobody ever gets tired of doing for me. Like I said, I feel helpless and hopeless. I just want to help everyone who's helped me and I'm a pretty creative person and usually I have a billon and one ideas but not this time. I'm just tired of being the sick girl.. The one that is trying to hold it together and prove I'm strong enough for all of this.
I want to be the girl that was full of life and could light up the room and make everyone laugh. Dance without worrying my bag is going to pop or leak. Stop worrying if people can see this Ostomy bag through my clothes. Not being able to travel or work because I have another surgery or doctors appointment that's coming up. It's like a pain that makes you want to cry but the tears aren't coming out. It's a weird feeling, I'm exhausted and tired and just want to sleep the entire day away. I want to have all the energy my three year old has so we can go play at the park, chase each other around, or have enough energy to get through the entire day with her. Without saying "Malia not today." Less then 6 weeks away and I feel hopeless and helpless. I am getting excited to go back to work but then I wonder if I'll be able to even find a job, worried about the interview process and worried if I'll ever find myself again. The joy in life. The person I once was before all of this.. Before the stupid illness. And the acne on my face. I worry about my liver and kidneys. All the things I had to go through with this disease.. I want to sit with my best friend's for hours and not have to worry about a thing. I want to go to the beach and run through the waves, put sand all over my body, wear a bikini and not have to worry about my damn bag. Or an anti-fungal cream or powder I have to put on every hour because then ill start itching and then my anxiety will act up. I just want to be normal again. Run in the water with not a single worry in the world. I want to be able to be the Kayla that I know I am.. So that maybe just maybe Malia's father will find a way to love me again. I just am really sad right now. I saw the picture below and thought to myself.. Ulcerative Colitis does suck. It's not cancer.. Thank you God. It's not going to kill me but it has taken away so much of who I am and the enjoyment of life and the beauty in it. I've lost all of that because I let this disease take control of me. Ulcerative Colitis beat me up and took exactly what it wanted out of me, but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired Ulcerative colitis.. You won't win this one because I am not going to let you define me. I am going to fight and fight everyday for Kayla. She's in there and you haven't won. I will never be depressed because of you. I am over you.. Goodbye, Ulcerative Colitis.. you suck!

Jackie Palma & Lucia Escobar

This post isn't suppose to make you cry or make you sad but simply explain how thankful and blessed I am to have you two in my life.
Lucia, you have always been my rock, my best friend, and the woman I can share anything with. You never judge me and you may get angry and you may not be happy with my choices or my decisions but you're always by my side. You'll hold my hand through anything and you'll Sleep on a cot for days, even if that means weeks or months. Or even a big bill to the massage therapist. You have always been someone I can count on and talk to about anything and even though I may drive you crazy or give you attitude or be extremely bossy. You're always there. This has been the toughest time of my life. With losing someone I loved, being sick and having to go through these surgeries. And being a mom of a 3 year old, who needs me more than anything right now. You're always there. You are so incredible, and so good to me. I don't know how I will ever repay but I'm going to try. You give up everything back home to be here in Los Angeles with me. Doctor appointments after doctor appointments, helping with Malia. I know you probably didn't have that when you were my age. Help but you're so great at it and Malia adores you. She loves her grams and she knows you're an awesome woman. I love you to the end of the moon and back again. I love you times infinity.. If I haven't ever told you through this entire process that I am thankful and appreciate you so much, I do. Thank you for making this journey feel like a breeze because no matter how hard it gets and no matter if I want to Give up, you're always there And I know you won't let me. Just like you said, "I would trade places with you if I could." I wouldn't even wish that upon you and I don't even want to imagine it but I know I'm not in this alone and I know if you could you would take the pain away. Just being there in this moment and having my back and cleaning my bag. I love you for it all. Thank you.
Jackie, where do I even begin with you. You have always been my hero. Because you have been through more stuff than I could ever imagine. Things I wouldn't even be able to handle, or grasp. Through life, pain, health and stress. You stand tall and never once show any sort of pain, hurt or anger. You're the sweetest woman I have ever encounter and not only do I want to be like you when I grow up but now I want Malia to be just like you. Malia loves you so much and I could only name a few right now because the list could go on for days but you gave Malia and I so much. You put a roof over our head and you treat Malia as if she was your own. I am so glad we are living with you because she's learning and she's watching and I wouldn't want her to have anybody else as her role model but you! Through this entire journey, you've given me life again, joy and just pure happiness when I'm in your presence. I don't ever have time to be sad or depressed because you're already on to the next activity. You keep myself and Malia busy. We don't have time to even process what's been going on because none of
That matters when we are with you. We are so well taking care of and happy that at the end of the day we go to sleep with smiles on our face and ready to Conquer the next. I love you for being the concrete in this moment. For holding my hand and for helping me with my Malia. When you're gray and old. We'll be there with a bed pan or a diaper, with a bath tub and a sponge, and we'll be you're strength when life gets you down.
Thank you God for blessing me
With two incredible women, inspirations and my strength through this process. And even though I may not tell you everyday or show you right now how much you guys truly mean to me. I'm sorry.. But you two are my world. Without you none of this would have been possible. And the girl that is supposably strong.. Wouldn't be standing on two feet, if it wasn't for the both of you.

Love you, and thank you.

A week after surgery!

Waking up today was one of the hardest.

I felt pain, I felt sorrow and honestly since my surgery I kind of just wanted to lay down and feel sorry for myself. It's tough, and it's frustrating and most of the time I'm pretty strong and carry a brave face, but today my body ached, my heart hurt and my stoma was throbbing.
I was in and out of sleep for most the morning and the entire afternoon, and then my mind was going 1,000 times a minute. It would wake me up and I'd be drenched in sweat from my dreams and then when I woke up I realized that even though right now my life feels like a struggle and this BAG is still attached to me. I'm still so much better of a person then to lay in this bed and feel sorry for myself.
So, I slept for a little longer and had to just snap out of it. It helped that my mother is a wonderful lady who has amazing sister's that would go to the end of the world for me.. My Tia Isabel showed up today after her dentist appointment and we all just laid on my bed and in that moment I wanted to cry, I wanted to let all my emotions out but could you imagine four ladies crying in one room.
So I held it in and I just enjoyed the moment and soaked it all in. Because God has blessed me with this support system that is so strong and even though I'm not going to die and even though I'm holding myself together. It wouldn't be possible without all of you.
We moved the group into the living where my cousin and uncle joined and only added to how great my life is and how I shouldn't be curled up in my bed feeling sorry for myself. We ate lunch and we socialized.
The pain at this time was still there but hardly noticeable because I was in great company.

But as I'm watching my mother and aunt Isabel play just dance. I'm laughing and seriously it was the best therapy anyone could have asked for.
I felt something wasn't right and sure enough I look down at my pants and my Ostomy bag began to leak. I wouldn't have freaked out but I did because right now I have a plastic rod with stitches in my stoma and honestly it's going to take some getting use to but thank god it
Will be removed tomorrow. We were only given 3 bags for Sunday-Wednesday in case of emergency but I thought everything would be just fine. As my mother and aunt rush in the bedroom and get all the supplies.. I'm shaking, I'm nervous and I'm in pain. My mother holds it all together for the both of us and my aunt she's so fascinated, she wouldn't have cared if she got poop all over her. She was a champ, ready and willing to do anything we asked of her.
Many complications trying to apply the first bag and it wasn't successful, so my aunt and mother began to apply bag #2. I think we knew where we messed up and tried fixing our mistakes but it was quite complicated, so again we failed a second time. Just as my Aunt Jackie was coming in from her weekly meeting. She threw on a pair of gloves and was ready for whatever she needed to conquer. She just said call me Nurse Jackie.

With other complications previous. We were finally successful. You should have seen these women. Already amazing mothers turned into doctors, nurses and probably could have been anything I asked of them. They didn't once complain, they didn't once gross out and they never gave up. If you could have seen them you would have been so proud of them. Always there when needed. My mother is always my rock and has never once let me down but I'm blessed with two other women that can play that same role if ever needed. I love all 3 women with everything I have. And I will be there in return when I'm needed. Gray & old. You beautiful ladies can always count on me. I'll change your diaper, i'll Do whatever is asked of me.

Finally after a long eventful day, I will rest my eyes and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to conquer another day.

You must be able to start each day as a new day and let go of yesterday. You must be able to feel sorry for yourself but not where it takes control of you. You must move forward and see each and every challenge as a way of growing and moving forward. Baby girl. You're stronger then you could have ever of imagined.