Having
Ulcerative Colitis has changed the person I once was, I use to be
fun, creative, motivated, willing to do anything, spontaneous, and truthful. I use to look at life in a whole different light; meeting people who have colitis, I've noticed the many things Colitis has done to them:
lower self-esteem, hard to communicate with others, not social, hard to look at themselves, hard to move on, and mostly draining where they feel as if they want to give up. You ask of course how I know this: Because I've felt those feelings. I've felt alone. There would be days I would come home from work, and just cry. I felt like I was in this bubble and I couldn't get out.
There was no exit. I never did anything about it, because most of the time I was able to snap myself out of it. I looked for support groups and I looked for people to talk to, but they didn't understand. Not my best friends, not my neighbors, not my co-workers, not my family, people at church, or even a complete stranger. I would do walks for Crohn's & Colitis and would meet people who were going through the same thing, I even went to Crohn's & Colitis fundraising groups and I felt better at the end of the night, but it was never enough. I wondered what I was doing wrong, why do I feel this way? Why do I feel alone?
I became this person that would flake out on her friends, on plans made. I would hide out in my apartment or in my bedroom because I was afraid to face the world. Most of the time I was afraid to open up. I feared losing myself, depression, actually being alone or thinking the unthinkable. Days I'd have thoughts that I don't even want to mention, but that's besides the point.
There comes a point where you have to sit down and say look,
"I'm better than this, better than this disease and I will not let it defeat me."
For me it took one absolutely amazing woman, who has been through the same thing as myself but a million times worse I think. (I wont mention her name, just in case.) but once I let her in and let her tell me her story, her feelings and her emotions. It helped a great deal, because then you know you're not alone. I would text her on my bad days, or call her when I needed just to hear
"that it was going to be okay, there's going to be an end, don't stop fighting."
One day I was in my car and I was headed to a doctor's appointment right before I got there, I had this urge that I need to use the restroom and for those of you that don't know what Colitis really is, you CANNOT hold it, you must go right away. Or else you'd have an accident. Well right before I walked in front of the office door.. let's just say I didn't make the bathroom. I ran to my car and booked it home. I cleaned up, showered within 3 minutes I was headed back to my doctor's appointment, I froze. I was driving and I froze... I put on my emergency lights and I cried, and cried. I felt ashamed, I felt worthless and I felt like I couldn't live like this anymore. I picked up the phone after about 10 minutes of crying. And Called the one person that knew what it felt like.. to live with this disease. She didn't know I was crying and she didn't know what happened but after telling me I was going to be okay, I hung up the phone, turned off my emergency lights and headed to my doctor's appointment. Those simple words snapped me back to reality -- and saved me for possibly getting rear-ended by another car.
The reason I tell you that story is because God puts angels in your life. God gives you a hand to hold and a person to lean on. When you're going through something, fighting an illness, you shouldn't have to do it alone, you shouldn't have to feel you need to keep it bottled up inside. Support groups are amazing but you need to find the right people that you're able to open up too. You could have lots of friends or a huge circle but only a selected few will actually care and ask how you're feeling, and try to step in your shoes and help you find yourself again. Make you smile again, and make you realize you're a strong person and cheer you up when you're at you're lowest point.
I hope that one day I can become that person for you, for me, and for the millions of people fighting Ulcerative Colitis. Because I know what you're feeling, I know it's hard. You're crying and you probably don't know what to do next.. BUT if I could be that person you'll listen too. Just know the fight is almost over, and the way you're feeling wont last forever. Please don't ever give up on yourself, you're stronger than you think.
This is for you.
Take my hand
and hold me close
Walk with me
and I'll walk with you
I'll carry you
when you're low
I'll even stand right below.
just in case
you might fall
I'll be right here
or down the hall.
I'll hold your hand
and wipe your tears
please have no fears
for you are not alone
you're stronger then a stone.
you must know.
I'm not GOD
but I'm just like you
a girl who fought a disease
I am too
a Colitis fighter
and I'm here for you.
and help you find the brighter
side of you.
If anyone has questions, concerns, fears.
Or just needs someone to talk to.
I am always here, you can connet with me on facebook/kayla.escobar.332
or email me mis_kaylove5@yahoo.com
I wish I had someone who really understood what I was going through 3 years ago, but now that I have all this support.. I'm finding who I really am again, and things about myself I didn't even know. My circle has only became bigger and of course I've realized the people who are really there at your bedside when you need them. You'll never know what I went through unless you asked me. Even just a faeebook message to say you read my blog, or a text message after surgery impacted me. Made me want to be a better person, and I'll be there for you when you need me. Ulcerative Colitis you were once apart of me, but not anymore. This is my life and I'm so ready to have it back.
"Alone we can do so Little, together we can do so much."
"Never be afraid to help others, in their time of need, you never know when you may need that shoulder to lean on."
and last but no least.
"Do not judge a girl on what you can see, she may be fighting cancer, or an incurable disease, she could be a girl in chronic pain. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is hurting. She may look young, but she feels decades older. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks she cleans, she works when she can, and sometimes when she cant. She is, but she is NOT all at once. She is here, but part of her is missing. She fights a battle you will never see. But if you can take a moment to look beyond the smile, you might see that girl is me."
Thank you for the support. xo
