Update on J-pouch.

Well, it's been a month & 16 days. I've been cleared by my doctor. No restrictions. And I must try everything. By that he means food. He also said, for me to "have fun." It's been a long road, go do something fun. I could think of a million things I could be doing right now, but part of me is afraid and then the other part just wants it to be a year passed already. . 

My walk is coming near and usually I'm excited, I'm pumped. But I think I'm just dreading the fact that I haven't made the difference I want to make. I know that's awful, and I shouldn't be that way. But this foundation means so much to me, I just want everything to be perfect. I want to raise the most money, put the most work into it. I just want to be the difference and most importantly I want millions to stop suffering. 

Well enough about that:

This post is suppose to be about my j-pouch and how well it has been functioning. Again, I will be very detailed in this blog because I need you to know what it's like to live with a j-pouch. It's my soul-purpose for this blog. 

Well.. I have to admit. I've had bad days. And I have had plenty more great days since my surgery.

Rule: No hotdogs, no spicy food, no alcohol and no absolutely no salad. 

I've been trying to learn to say no to food but that's been so hard. I've been unable to eat for such a long period in my life. I just see food and the thought of it touching my tongue makes me a happy lady. Because I want everything. I love spicy food and I absolutely love salads, so not being able to look, touch or eat it. Just stinks.

Well j-pouch has been putting out awful output. Green, green and more green. Everything coming out whole. And major stomach aches. I always feel dehydrated. But again, I only have myself to blame. I know what I should stay away from and what's okay. Trail and error. That's how I see it. And the worse part about having the j-pouch and using the restroom constantly is that you may get irritation, bleeding, burning and itching from your anus. Doctor Fleshner, suggest getting all the butt creams and seeing what works best for me. 

I have to end with no matter how much it sounds like I'm complaining. I'm not. I just want you to understand the daily frustrations and routine with having a j-pouch: but I wouldn't trade it for the world. As long as I never have to deal with the pain of Ulcerative Colitis. A butt rash, itch or pain can be easily fixed. And I'm okay with finding out what works best for me and my body. It's only been a little over a month... I will get the hang of this. It just takes time.

The pouch, the j-pouch.

Three weeks after surgery and I feel like a brand new person. I probably have been doing more then I should but you have to understand that for 3 years my life was taken from me ---by Ulcerative Colitis. I just want to live, I want to go back to work and doing the many things that make me Kayla. 

I'm at a point where I don't want to stay in the house anymore and recuperate. I'm tired of letting UC suck the life out of me. I'm tired of being the sick girl and the loner. Ulcerative colitis doesn't live in me anymore and  I just really love the way that sounds. 

It hasn't been quite a month since I've "taken it easy." But I hate that Ulcerative Colitis was the deciding factor of how much my body was able to take and what I can and cannot eat. 

I'm ready to live.

And in these 3 weeks, I've been living. To Disneyland, California Adventures, the movies and eating whatever my heart desires but of course in moderations. I know I don't want to end up back in the hospital, being poked and pricked, so instead of going all out like I wish I could. I'm "taken it easy" in my definition of take it easy. 

My j-pouch has given me the quality of life I've been dreaming of. I'm able to use the restroom when I want too. I'm able to hold a bowel without rushing and panicking to the bathrooms and slowly adding more foods to my diet and so far only hot dogs are --deadly. 

At night I'm trying to adjust. I'm not getting the best of sleep because the constant urge to use the restroom sometimes I'm too exhausted to get out of bed but I end up paying for it later -- but that's exactly why the invented washer and dryers right? For people who don't have a colon and have an accident. That's what I thought. 

I've added some spicy food but not too much, been eating lots of chocolate which is only going to make me fat but my j-pouch seems to have no complaints. He enjoys it and I'm loving every minute of it because chocolate and my yucky colon never got a long.

My scar is healing up // the first scab already peeled off. I almost threw up but I survived and just in a few more weeks hopefully my scar will be less visible.

So ill end with my j-pouch hasn't done me wrong yet and I'm hoping I get many more days like today-- because I deserve them. I deserve to be happy and my j-pouch is making me feel amazing and brand-new. So if you doubt yourself and think this surgery isn't for you. Maybe the j-pouch may not be your answer but getting rid of that yucky colon is. Say Goodbye, and you will live, to feel like I do right now. This is going to be the end of Ulcerative Colitis but only a new beginning for Me and my J-pouch.

Don't stop believing. 

The emotional aspect of Colitis.

Having Ulcerative Colitis has changed the person I once was, I use to be fun, creative, motivated, willing to do anything, spontaneous, and truthful. I use to look at life in a whole different light; meeting people who have colitis, I've noticed the many things Colitis has done to them:
lower self-esteem, hard to communicate with others, not social, hard to look at themselves, hard to move on, and mostly draining where they feel as if they want to give up. You ask of course how I know this: Because I've felt those feelings. I've felt alone. There would be days I would come home from work, and just cry. I felt like I was in this bubble and I couldn't get out. There was no exit. I never did anything about it, because most of the time I was able to snap myself out of it. I looked for support groups and I looked for people to talk to, but they didn't understand. Not my best friends, not my neighbors, not my co-workers, not my family, people at church, or even a complete stranger. I would do walks for Crohn's & Colitis and would meet people who were going through the same thing, I even went to Crohn's & Colitis fundraising groups and I felt better at the end of the night, but it was never enough. I wondered what I was doing wrong, why do I feel this way? Why do I feel alone?
I became this person that would flake out on her friends, on plans made. I would hide out in my apartment or in my bedroom because I was afraid to face the world. Most of the time I was afraid to open up. I feared losing myself, depression, actually being alone or thinking the unthinkable. Days I'd have thoughts that I don't even want to mention, but that's besides the point.
There comes a point where you have to sit down and say look,
"I'm better than this, better than this disease and I will not let it defeat me." 
For me it took one absolutely amazing woman, who has been through the same thing as myself but a million times worse I think. (I wont mention her name, just in case.) but once I let her in and let her tell me her story, her feelings and her emotions. It helped a great deal, because then you know you're not alone. I would text her on my bad days, or call her when I needed just to hear "that it was going to be okay, there's going to be an end, don't stop fighting."

One day I was in my car and I was headed to a doctor's appointment right before I got there, I had this urge that I need to use the restroom and for those of you that don't know what Colitis really is, you CANNOT hold it, you must go right away. Or else you'd have an accident. Well right before I walked in front of the office door.. let's just say I didn't make the bathroom. I ran to my car and booked it home. I cleaned up, showered within 3 minutes I was headed back to my doctor's appointment, I froze. I was driving and I froze... I put on my emergency lights and I cried, and cried. I felt ashamed, I felt worthless and I felt like I couldn't live like this anymore. I picked up the phone after about 10 minutes of crying. And Called the one person that knew what it felt like.. to live with this disease. She didn't know I was crying and she didn't know what happened but after telling me I was going to be okay, I hung up the phone, turned off my emergency lights and headed to my doctor's appointment. Those simple words snapped me back to reality -- and saved me for possibly getting rear-ended by another car.

The reason I tell you that story is because God puts angels in your life. God gives you a hand to hold and a person to lean on. When you're going through something, fighting an illness, you shouldn't have to do it alone, you shouldn't have to feel you need to keep it bottled up inside. Support groups are amazing but you need to find the right people that you're able to open up too. You could have lots of friends or a huge circle but only a selected few will actually care and ask how you're feeling, and try to step in your shoes and help you find yourself again. Make you smile again, and make you realize you're a strong person and cheer you up when you're at you're lowest point.

I hope that one day I can become that person for you, for me, and for the millions of people fighting Ulcerative Colitis. Because I know what you're feeling, I know it's hard. You're crying and you probably don't know what to do next.. BUT if I could be that person you'll listen too. Just know the fight is almost over, and the way you're feeling wont last forever. Please don't ever give up on yourself, you're stronger than you think.

This is for you.

Take my hand
and hold me close

Walk with me
and I'll walk with you

I'll carry you
when you're low

I'll even stand right below.

just in case
you might fall

I'll be right here
or down the hall.

I'll hold your hand
and wipe your tears

please have no fears
for you are not alone

you're stronger then a stone.
you must know.

I'm not GOD
but I'm just like you

a girl who fought a disease
I am too

a Colitis fighter
and I'm here for you.

and help you find the brighter
side of you.






If anyone has questions, concerns, fears.
Or just needs someone to talk to.
I am always here, you can connet with me on facebook/kayla.escobar.332
or email me mis_kaylove5@yahoo.com

I wish I had someone who really understood what I was going through 3 years ago, but now that I have all this support.. I'm finding who I really am again, and things about myself I didn't even know. My circle has only became bigger and of course I've realized the people who are really there at your bedside when you need them. You'll never know what I went through unless you asked me. Even just a faeebook message to say you read my blog, or a text message after surgery impacted me. Made me want to be a better person, and I'll be there for you when you need me. Ulcerative Colitis you were once apart of me, but not anymore. This is my life and I'm so ready to have it back.

"Alone we can do so Little, together we can do so much."
"Never be afraid to help others, in their time of need, you never know when you may need that shoulder to lean on."


and last but no least.

"Do not judge a girl on what you can see, she may be fighting cancer, or an incurable disease, she could be a girl in chronic pain. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is hurting. She may look young, but she feels decades older. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks she cleans, she works when she can, and sometimes when she cant. She is, but she is NOT all at once. She is here, but part of her is missing. She fights a battle you will never see. But if you can take a moment to look beyond the smile, you might see that girl is me."


Thank you for the support. xo

Dr. Fleshner

I don't know if I will be able to look you in the eyes and tell you this tomorrow but I am beyond thankful for you. Even if I've been stubborn throughout this entire process and I've cried many tears in front of you. I thank god everyday for a man like you. You're my life saver, my hero.
The man I can always count on and say he made a difference in my life.
Dr. Fleshner, I wish there were more people like you.
"It takes a great doctor to pull off what you have, but you made it look so easy. You're a doctor I'll always remember. You not only imprinted my heart, but I have a body part that was reconstructed by you."
"The mama with no colon can point fingers at you, but not because i'm angry, but because I'm thankful beyond measure for you."





God.
"You have helped me see the light of things, you have given me strength I never knew I had, you watched the hands of Dr. Fleshner as he operated on me. You gave me people in my life that would go above and beyond for me. My parents who have struggles of their own, be there by my bedside as I recover. Eating hospital food and spending money on hotel rooms.
My brother and sisters who travel hours to be with me, you were there so they arrived safely and you were there on their return home. My aunt and uncle who take time off to just be there and make me laugh and Malia's father who hasn't been the best of a man but is making up for it. You have helped me fight when I didn't even think I had a fight left in me. You've given me new friends. Megan Freda- battles the same illness as I do. And even though we live miles away and never met.. we are connected because of you and we always will be. I'll always wonder where she's at, how she's doing, and if her new life is bringing her happiness. And that's all because of you. The man of many miracles."

You all may think I'm strong, and you make think I don't cry. But God has given me the strength everyday to wake up and live. He's told me I'm amazing, he's
Told me I'm better then what I give myself credit for. He's even given me Malia when I was only 21 years old, but he knew I was capable of being a great mommy. That's all I'll ever strive to be now.

Ulcerative Colitis you are no longer apart of me anymore, and I'm thrilled. It's amazing to think someone could live
Without a colon, but in replace of it, is given a j-pouch: that warns you when you have to go to the restroom but it doesn't hurt. See with ulcerative colitis- it hurt and sometimes it would be so bad, I would bleed, I would throw up and I'd would curl into a ball and just want to scream. You couldn't hold it and if you tried.. Believe me, you'd only be angry at yourself. There would be POOP everywhere. Hopefully you have black on. But with your j-pouch it just lets you know when it's full and it's time to release. So far I've been able
To hold it and that's a week after surgery and I'm able to say that. I still wear protection just in case but hopefully that's only for a little while until I have full control
Of my bowel and trust my j-pouch. You do get irritated down there but you find creams and things that suite you, and make you comfortable. So far.. I have no
Complaints with my j-pouch.
I've introduced watermelon and honeydew to my j-pouch today and I felt fine. I was able to be active today, so I cooked and cleaned. An had about 5-6 bowel movements but nothing to drastic. I could manage that, as long as there is no pain.. I don't care how many bowels I have. Just getting use to my new friend. And I'll update you as time passes. Just trying to heal up my battle wounds and get rid of all these bruises so I can enjoy some free-time. Also give me a few more weeks and I'll have a name for my j-pouch.

Love you all, and thank you for reading.

Ostomy Closure

You wake up after the procedure and you're filled with joy of course. The only thing that you want to see is the fact that your colostomy bag is no longer there. You feel pain, but it's like a throbbing pain and the nurses are amazing at controlling that pain. You cry tears because you're happy, that it's all finally over. (fingers crossed)

The amount of support I had was quite overwhelming. One moment I felt like locking myself in the restroom and crying, but I knew I couldn't allow myself to do that.

Day 1: I could honestly say I felt like I didn't have anything done to me, I had visitors and I actually was drowsy most of the day, but I could function and that night I rested pretty well.

Day 2: Was absolutely amazing, family and friends were there to support me and It was wonderful. Kept me busy and I was put on a solid fiber restricted diet. It was actually pretty nice because I hadn't eaten in over 36 hours at this point, so food tasted great. I can't say I have many complaints. I was bloated and I had slight pain off and on but nothing the nurses couldn't manage. I walked, I got up and down and moved around. I felt good.

Besides the heparin shots every 12 hours I really have no other complaints or reason NOT to get this surgery.

Day 3: Was a little tough, I felt tired. 

I felt pain, I felt like I had worked out and was sore. They had to take the dressing out of my wound where my once stoma was. OUCH! But again, you've already gone through so much at this point, so that's nothing.. I slept and slept.

Day 4: I was released.

I felt constipated but it was only because I was getting use to the new j-pouch.

It felt great to actually be able to go to the restroom like a normal human-being and able to fart threw my butt- that was my favorite part. 

If you're thinking about getting the surgery and you've dealt with Ulcerative Colitis for quite sometime and you fear the pain, the needles and the what if's-- DONT! Our bodies have gone through so much already and you can handle the surgery and the healing process. I believe in you and you should believe in yourself.

"God can turn obstacles into opportunities."

Night before surgery.

I feel like I'm going to vomit. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It might just be because I'm hungry and I haven't eaten in like 24 hours, but it's a strange feeling. Of course I can't sleep because my anxiety is acting up. I'm extremely excited but then I feel like I'm going to faint. . . A mixed of emotion.

Surgery.
J-pouch.
GOD.
Strength.
Family.
Love.
Malia.
Blood.
Needles.
Pain.
Vomit.
Excitement.
Fear.
All the words that are running through my head right now. I'm 24 years old, I never thought I'd be having surgery. . . But I'm thankful that I was given the opportunity to have this surgery.

I have all of you standing by my side.
And the strength to do this only one more
Time. Fingers crossed I'm out of the hospital by Sunday and I get Roscoe's delivered to me.

Love you all.

Reading means you believe in me, thank you.

If you're reading this and you dont know me, but you're suffering with Ulcerative Colitis, Crohn's, IBD, Colon Cancer and/or all the above. Just remember you're not alone. 24 people out of 100,000 are suffering with UC globally. This disease can hit children, teens, adults, seniors and seriously at any moment in time, especially when you least expect it.
If you've been reading my blog since day one. Thank you.
I wish I could take away your pain, your depression, your anger, your sadness, the why me's and the stress of dealing with this disease or life. I wish you didnt have to go through any heart-breaks, health issues, financial issues or feeling alone. Having a disease puts you at the end of a ledge and you dont know whether you should jump or if you should step away from that ledge and fight.
I reached a point in my illness where I wanted to jump and I thought I couldnt do this anymore. Nobody understood, the fight I put up everyday. The struggle it was to wake up in the morning and say I can live another day. Yes, I have my daughter who has been the greatest blessing through this all because she gave me the reason to fight and fight but you dont know what it does to your head. The emotional aspect of it all. BUT you have to be STRONGER than that. You have to fight harder and you have to realize you have so many people that would stand with you in your corner. You may not be able to call them Family, friends, people you've known for years. BUT you have millions of people suffereing with illnesses, diseases and everyday life. If I could reach through this computer and hold your hand and take away all the hurt I would, but I cant. I know you feel alone right now, but you're not. Take a look around.. find a support group, talk to a complete stranger, maybe even your night nurse when you're in the hospital. It really does help, it's extremely therapeutic, but holding it in and not talking about it only breaks you as a person and plays emotional and mental head games with you.

God puts people in your life so that you could learn things about yourself that you never knew existed.
God gives you the strength you need to conquer the most difficult situations by placing hands or people in your life that bring out the joy, and make you realize you're so much better of a human-being than you give yourself credit for.
God doesnt give you anything you cant handle, he closes one door and then opens another. He gives you strength to handle anything that comes your way. He guides you through the obstacles when the devil places them there.

This blog might be longer then all the others but I had a billion emotions run through my head today. I didnt know whether to be happy, to cry, to scream, to jump up and down for joy, to call a friend, to talk my aunts ear off, to be scared, to be all of these emotions, in one single day.

I had my pre-op appointment today to let me know how my J-pouch has healed and if it is going to be ready for fridays surgery. You have to put that gown on before you enter the x-ray room and the nurse tells you to remove clothes from the waist down. Of course I'm scared at this moment because I dont know if the procedure is going to hurt, I always assume that it's going to because then if it doesnt, at least i'm prepared. The x-ray didnt hurt at all, if you're wondering. They stuck a little tub into my BUTT, and they filled it with dye. They wanted to make sure there was no leaks coming from my j-pouch and they took many photos and asked me to move around. They said I might experience cramping but It went pretty well. After the procedure, I cleaned up and headed down to the surgeon's office. I was excited to see him. I'm just ready to put this all past me. He began to do his procedure and i'm not even going to explain that because if you're considering the surgery, this might just change your mind and you have to get it done every 3 months after the final surgery, so let's just say. RELAX, BREATHE and close your eyes and you'll be just fine. The final result was that i'm ready to conquer surgery number 3, i'm offically Ulcerative Colitis Free and that My Ostomy Bag will be gone at 7:15 am on Friday Morning. I could have kissed Dr. Fleshner's feet at that moment. God placed his hands on Doctor Fleshner and got me to where I'm at today. He's pretty amazing and he will be there friday, so he told me not to be any of those emotions but HAPPY, so tonight, I'll go to bed happy.

I never thought someone could actually feel happy and excited for surgery, but after 3 years and 8 months, I'm just ready to be me again. My 1st purchase will be a bathing suit and my 1st thriller will be to jump out of a plane (Skydiving) and my 1st step to move on with my life will be to get a gym membership and join something that will help me earn confidence back. According to Malia I will be Working again.. She says, "After Friday, you can get a Job." Thanks Malia, but I really am ready to go back to work and have a social life again.

I also want to stress in this blog, that just because I haven't mentioned you doesnt mean I dont love and apperciate all that you have done for me. I could name so many people who have been with me through this journey. Whether it was being at my surgery, the gifts, holding my hand, wiping my tears, bathing me, reading to me, painting my nails, calling me, texting me, donating money to CCFA, for traveling, for emotional support, for words of encouragement, for reading this blog... I am thankful for you everyday, and I pray and I write your name down in my journal.

This blog is meant to focus on things that one will go through during a life changing event, through surgery, through having to deal with a disease. It doesnt only affect the person who is sick, it affects the community, your friends, your family, your parents, your significant other, your child, your job, and your well-being. Everyone around you changes, things change and the way you use to see yourself changes. I apologize if I havent mentioned you, or wrote a blog about you but it doesnt mean I dont recongize how much this has affected you as well. Thank you and I'll keep saying thank you for being there for me when the road got too long for me to walk alone. Thank you for believing in me, helping me financially or for pushing me to be a better person.

Before I die all I ask is I change one persons life, because than I know I lived.