Ostomy Closure

You wake up after the procedure and you're filled with joy of course. The only thing that you want to see is the fact that your colostomy bag is no longer there. You feel pain, but it's like a throbbing pain and the nurses are amazing at controlling that pain. You cry tears because you're happy, that it's all finally over. (fingers crossed)

The amount of support I had was quite overwhelming. One moment I felt like locking myself in the restroom and crying, but I knew I couldn't allow myself to do that.

Day 1: I could honestly say I felt like I didn't have anything done to me, I had visitors and I actually was drowsy most of the day, but I could function and that night I rested pretty well.

Day 2: Was absolutely amazing, family and friends were there to support me and It was wonderful. Kept me busy and I was put on a solid fiber restricted diet. It was actually pretty nice because I hadn't eaten in over 36 hours at this point, so food tasted great. I can't say I have many complaints. I was bloated and I had slight pain off and on but nothing the nurses couldn't manage. I walked, I got up and down and moved around. I felt good.

Besides the heparin shots every 12 hours I really have no other complaints or reason NOT to get this surgery.

Day 3: Was a little tough, I felt tired. 

I felt pain, I felt like I had worked out and was sore. They had to take the dressing out of my wound where my once stoma was. OUCH! But again, you've already gone through so much at this point, so that's nothing.. I slept and slept.

Day 4: I was released.

I felt constipated but it was only because I was getting use to the new j-pouch.

It felt great to actually be able to go to the restroom like a normal human-being and able to fart threw my butt- that was my favorite part. 

If you're thinking about getting the surgery and you've dealt with Ulcerative Colitis for quite sometime and you fear the pain, the needles and the what if's-- DONT! Our bodies have gone through so much already and you can handle the surgery and the healing process. I believe in you and you should believe in yourself.

"God can turn obstacles into opportunities."

Night before surgery.

I feel like I'm going to vomit. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It might just be because I'm hungry and I haven't eaten in like 24 hours, but it's a strange feeling. Of course I can't sleep because my anxiety is acting up. I'm extremely excited but then I feel like I'm going to faint. . . A mixed of emotion.

Surgery.
J-pouch.
GOD.
Strength.
Family.
Love.
Malia.
Blood.
Needles.
Pain.
Vomit.
Excitement.
Fear.
All the words that are running through my head right now. I'm 24 years old, I never thought I'd be having surgery. . . But I'm thankful that I was given the opportunity to have this surgery.

I have all of you standing by my side.
And the strength to do this only one more
Time. Fingers crossed I'm out of the hospital by Sunday and I get Roscoe's delivered to me.

Love you all.

Reading means you believe in me, thank you.

If you're reading this and you dont know me, but you're suffering with Ulcerative Colitis, Crohn's, IBD, Colon Cancer and/or all the above. Just remember you're not alone. 24 people out of 100,000 are suffering with UC globally. This disease can hit children, teens, adults, seniors and seriously at any moment in time, especially when you least expect it.
If you've been reading my blog since day one. Thank you.
I wish I could take away your pain, your depression, your anger, your sadness, the why me's and the stress of dealing with this disease or life. I wish you didnt have to go through any heart-breaks, health issues, financial issues or feeling alone. Having a disease puts you at the end of a ledge and you dont know whether you should jump or if you should step away from that ledge and fight.
I reached a point in my illness where I wanted to jump and I thought I couldnt do this anymore. Nobody understood, the fight I put up everyday. The struggle it was to wake up in the morning and say I can live another day. Yes, I have my daughter who has been the greatest blessing through this all because she gave me the reason to fight and fight but you dont know what it does to your head. The emotional aspect of it all. BUT you have to be STRONGER than that. You have to fight harder and you have to realize you have so many people that would stand with you in your corner. You may not be able to call them Family, friends, people you've known for years. BUT you have millions of people suffereing with illnesses, diseases and everyday life. If I could reach through this computer and hold your hand and take away all the hurt I would, but I cant. I know you feel alone right now, but you're not. Take a look around.. find a support group, talk to a complete stranger, maybe even your night nurse when you're in the hospital. It really does help, it's extremely therapeutic, but holding it in and not talking about it only breaks you as a person and plays emotional and mental head games with you.

God puts people in your life so that you could learn things about yourself that you never knew existed.
God gives you the strength you need to conquer the most difficult situations by placing hands or people in your life that bring out the joy, and make you realize you're so much better of a human-being than you give yourself credit for.
God doesnt give you anything you cant handle, he closes one door and then opens another. He gives you strength to handle anything that comes your way. He guides you through the obstacles when the devil places them there.

This blog might be longer then all the others but I had a billion emotions run through my head today. I didnt know whether to be happy, to cry, to scream, to jump up and down for joy, to call a friend, to talk my aunts ear off, to be scared, to be all of these emotions, in one single day.

I had my pre-op appointment today to let me know how my J-pouch has healed and if it is going to be ready for fridays surgery. You have to put that gown on before you enter the x-ray room and the nurse tells you to remove clothes from the waist down. Of course I'm scared at this moment because I dont know if the procedure is going to hurt, I always assume that it's going to because then if it doesnt, at least i'm prepared. The x-ray didnt hurt at all, if you're wondering. They stuck a little tub into my BUTT, and they filled it with dye. They wanted to make sure there was no leaks coming from my j-pouch and they took many photos and asked me to move around. They said I might experience cramping but It went pretty well. After the procedure, I cleaned up and headed down to the surgeon's office. I was excited to see him. I'm just ready to put this all past me. He began to do his procedure and i'm not even going to explain that because if you're considering the surgery, this might just change your mind and you have to get it done every 3 months after the final surgery, so let's just say. RELAX, BREATHE and close your eyes and you'll be just fine. The final result was that i'm ready to conquer surgery number 3, i'm offically Ulcerative Colitis Free and that My Ostomy Bag will be gone at 7:15 am on Friday Morning. I could have kissed Dr. Fleshner's feet at that moment. God placed his hands on Doctor Fleshner and got me to where I'm at today. He's pretty amazing and he will be there friday, so he told me not to be any of those emotions but HAPPY, so tonight, I'll go to bed happy.

I never thought someone could actually feel happy and excited for surgery, but after 3 years and 8 months, I'm just ready to be me again. My 1st purchase will be a bathing suit and my 1st thriller will be to jump out of a plane (Skydiving) and my 1st step to move on with my life will be to get a gym membership and join something that will help me earn confidence back. According to Malia I will be Working again.. She says, "After Friday, you can get a Job." Thanks Malia, but I really am ready to go back to work and have a social life again.

I also want to stress in this blog, that just because I haven't mentioned you doesnt mean I dont love and apperciate all that you have done for me. I could name so many people who have been with me through this journey. Whether it was being at my surgery, the gifts, holding my hand, wiping my tears, bathing me, reading to me, painting my nails, calling me, texting me, donating money to CCFA, for traveling, for emotional support, for words of encouragement, for reading this blog... I am thankful for you everyday, and I pray and I write your name down in my journal.

This blog is meant to focus on things that one will go through during a life changing event, through surgery, through having to deal with a disease. It doesnt only affect the person who is sick, it affects the community, your friends, your family, your parents, your significant other, your child, your job, and your well-being. Everyone around you changes, things change and the way you use to see yourself changes. I apologize if I havent mentioned you, or wrote a blog about you but it doesnt mean I dont recongize how much this has affected you as well. Thank you and I'll keep saying thank you for being there for me when the road got too long for me to walk alone. Thank you for believing in me, helping me financially or for pushing me to be a better person.

Before I die all I ask is I change one persons life, because than I know I lived.

A woman made of Iron.

It's been a while since I've had any thoughts, any emotions. I've been doing pretty good, or maybe just realizing that it's all about to come to an end. (God willingly) but honestly I've been having a wonderful week. I've traveled to Fresno & Los Banos where I was surprised with my dear friend Steitz. She brings joy in every shape or form. She makes you have a night to remember and just keeps you focused on the good things in life. It was also fun meeting up with people from high school, I know many people don't like going back to LB and have a billion and one bad things to say about it but I enjoy it, so much. Especially having the wonderful people who surround me when I'm there.
Tonight I met a woman who has been there with me since I've started
Writing this blog, someone who has lifted me high, in spirits and in hope. She always knows just what to say and she's very very strong. It's like you think you've met the strongest woman in your life, she's triple that. She looks amazing and happy and so faithful and believes in God. It amazes me, someone who's been through so much, could smile and welcome you in with open arms. I could go on for days and days, I could also give you a list of things she bought Malia. Not even knowing us physically or for a long time, she has shown so much support and has so much love in her heart for not only myself but Malia, thank you God for all that I have gone through because I have met the most incredible people during this journey and it's so wonderful, that I am truly blessed.
Linda Contreras- thank you for allowing my mom, Malia & I to come into your home and share stories of our experiences, to make us dinner and dessert and to be so kind. To find it in your heart to smile and believe in me and make me feel like I'm special. I love you so much and I hope today wasn't the 1st, or the last time we ever see each other.

Whoever is reading this know that God is the most realist man ever. No matter how much you're hurting, how much you've suffered or if you think nobody understands. They really really do. And maybe that person or those people haven't found you, or opened up their arms to protect you, lift you up or be there when you need them the most. Doesn't mean they aren't real or they aren't
Coming.. Or they don't exist. God is working on a plan for you and he will be there when you least expect it. You just gotta have faith. You gotta keep believing and knowing that the worse is almost over and that you don't have to fight alone or pretend like you don't have something. You don't have to be strong all of the time. Life is going to be hard, life is going to hit you when you least expect it but you gotta keep moving forward and you have to continue to fight. Put your mind to something and then all things are possible. Just because you have an illness doesn't mean you stop living, doesn't mean you hate life because of it. You have to be better than that. You have to take the hit and get back up, because god always has a plan, but the right plan. That will come when God knows you're ready and want to take his hand.

"It takes a strong woman to endure the pain we have, it takes a good woman to accept it and it takes an even better woman to live with it and move on"

Having a 3 year old.

So, today I finally found myself the time and the courage to sit down with Malia and explain everything.. Having a 3 year old in my life through this entire journey is the best thing I could of been blessed with but also an even bigger challenge.
I'm trying to explain that this disease was intended for good things and not bad. I don't ever want her to look at this as if it's something we hate, or something we are angry at... In her eyes I want to be nothing less than strong and in her eyes, I want her to tell the world a story, but a good one of her childhood.
It's crazy how much she has learned from this, how much she has dealt with and she's only 3 years old. She was always in the restroom with me, running to find a stall and having to stand in a public restroom and not touch a thing.
There were days when she would see me throwing up and hours later we would find her pretending to throw up as well, gagging into her princess toilet and all she ever wanted was to be like mommy. She never knew I was sick or that she wasn't suppose to be doing that, but through this illness she has grown into a mature 3 year old. She knows mommy is sick and she's willing to do anything and everything in her power to help her mommy.
So today we sat down and I thanked her and hugged and told her that Mommy is almost better. You know what her response was? "Mommy, now that you are better can we go to the toy stores and can we go to the beach?" I laughed and my eyes become very watery. Yes, Malia we can go and do anything you want. I'm always going to be here, and I'm sorry I missed your birthday this year because I was sick. She looked at me with her beautiful, big eyes and said, "mommy,
I had the best birthday this year, lots
Of presents, a jumping thingy and cake. Destiny, Issy and Peter were there." She didn't even realize that I had to make it up to her weeks later because I missed the actual day being hospitalized and that killed me. All she knew was that she had a wonderful birthday.. And mommy was there for her.
I even mentioned to her that my bag was coming off and it won't be there in a few weeks, she asked, "Where is it going?" Seriously the cutest response ever. I just said it's going away. Hopefully forever but if not, it's okay.. We will deal with that when the time comes but for now, We will say good-bye and we are going to be happy and mommy is going to be better. She then asked, "Do we still have to go to the doctor?" Yes, Malia but only for a little while and then hopefully mommy won't have to go so much. She said, "Yay!"
Whoosh, am I glad that went well. She handled it so nicely. And here I was freaking out, almost sitting in a puddle . She then grabs my face, kisses me and says "I love you, everything gonna be okay mommy." Where the heck does she get this from? I ran to the bathroom, pretending to wash my face because tears were running down my Cheeks. Thank you God for blessing me with such a beautiful, understanding and smart baby-girl. Malia without you, none of this would have been possible. The strength I have is because of you. One day, this will be past us both and mommy will be able to go to all the toy stores and beach without having to rush to a restroom, or lay in bed all day because she's in pain, or rush to the hospital and leave you for weeks. I love you Malia Renee'. You are my backbone and the heart to my beat.

Struggles & everyday.

Last night I couldn't sleep, the pain and the itch was to the max. I found myself too tired to change my bag, so I took Benadryl and after 45 minutes the medication kicked in and made me extremely sleepy and I ended up passing out. Thank goodness. Here is what I have to deal with daily and my supplies. I think I need to learn to be a little more organized but my system is working out well for me right now.

Hope everyone has a great day! Xo

I think i'm having a bad case of---PostSURGERY Depression.

I want thoughts to come pouring out but nothing seems to come to mind. I'm happy most of the time and knowing my surgeries are coming to an end, I'm even more happier. Who wouldn't be? But I'm getting nervous again, this time around.
I might get very graphic in this blog. But it's how I truly feel and my soul-purpose for this blog is to really just be myself and to let it all go. Once I'm done writing I feel like a part of me is free-again. Like I can go on with my day, my week, my night, and hopefully after all of this has past I can go on with my life.
I think or should I say I know I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of letting Malia down and my family because if I let this disease define me and take away my character I'm not being true to myself and I'm not living.
I don't want to wake up one day and be disappointed in my decisions. Like was this surgery in the best interest for not only me but Malia. I think yes? Or I else I wouldn't have done it. BUT what if my j-pouch doesn't succeed. What if I'm not strong enough to handle it. I'm having dreams about this--all of the time. What is wrong with me? And they are usually dark and scary dreams. Who in thier right mine just dreams about this stuff? It's so weird to me, and I just want them to go away.

After surgery #2. I have a list of complaints and I want to share them because if I don't then I'm not being true to myself and to all of you. I hated it and everything that it has become to this point. For example: My Stoma has been giving me problems since day one. I can't seem to keep my bowels solid, just per liquid. I'm constantly having to use the restroom and emptying my bag, it makes a lot more noise this time around and the gas is extremely annoying. There will be nights ill wake up and my bag is full- to the max and hard as a rock. Many many leaks and I feel this time around it smells more. Like everyone around me can smell it. Maybe that's just me, but the itching under the bag isn't. And it's so frustrating. I'll catch myself, itching or patting my skin in public and I hate that. I feel this time around everyone can notice my bag. I use to change my bag every 3-5 days, most of the time I was able to get away with 5 days and that was amazing; however that isnt the case this time. If i go 2 days, my itching and rash become unbearable and I just want to scream. The stoma this time around has two openings and one leads to my j-pouch. I guess I could use medical terms but I'm writing this blog so that everyone can understand in my terms. One hole produces mucus and the other is where my bowel comes out of, so some nights I have accidents which are extremely weird because it's just clear-liquid coming from my behind. (I'm trying to remember not to say BUTT because then Malia laughs.) but I guess that's just the mucus but it's uncontrollable at times, which makes me nervous because I dont have control of it all of the time and i'm just worried that's how it's going to be once I get my j-pouch connected.
When I made the decison to do the surgery I was ready for anything. Before surgery 2 I could have lived with my ostomy bag for the rest of my life, no complaints, but this time, I dont know if i'm just weak or if it's just getting a little too much to handle. The recovery period for surgery 2 was a piece of cake especially when you have A mother named Lucy & an aunt named Jackie.
But seriously, the after effects of this surgery just makes me want to lay in bed all day. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything. There are days when I dont even want to get dressed, only by force. It's just tiring, and frustrating to have to put on clothes and fear everyone can see your BAG.
My follow-up appoinment after surgery was awful. I got really bad anxiety because I knew the procedure involved putting something in my anus and I dont like that. My last doctor would check me every 4 weeks and it always put me in a bad mood. Dr. Fleshner warned me that once I get my j-pouch i'll be having that procedure done every 3 months. GREAT! I'm jumping for joy right now. NOT. But I guess i'll learn to enjoy it, deal with it and move on.

Today a wonderful lady sent me this:

"Always remember you are braver than you believe, Stronger than you seem, Smarter than you think & Twice as Beautiful as you'de ever IMAGINED."

I'll hold on to that for a very long time, because I dont think i'm brave, I think I was given this illness as a punishment in life, I'm not strong, I cry most of the time, I think i'm pretty smart if I apply myself. And I lost alot of my confidience to even believe or think I'm beautiful. ---- But give me one minute to explain myself. That's how I thought before people started reading my blog and that's how I felt when I was sick and alone and going through this all by myself. I didnt know or think people could ever understand what I was going through. Just thought "Oh poor me, i'm sick." BUT with all this amazing support and the strength it has given me. I do think so much differently now.
And I know i'll be that person to believe those things one day, like that quote. Once this month is over I will be complete again. I will look past all of this and thank every single one of you personally for being by my-side through this journey. I dont care what it takes, or if I get a writers cramp. I'm just amazed. GOD is the most powerful and wonderful man to make me feel like i'm on cloud 9 with the people that I have in my corner and that are rooting for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For giving me the strength to wake up in the morning and fight, fight, fight.