Keep calm or else you get Ulcerative Colitis

I haven't wrote a blog in a few days which feels like ages. I think I've been kind of trying to block out the fact that I'm dealing with any of this. But I have my low moments. Lately, I've felt quite numb to it all and I feel sort of depressed. I shouldn't even use that word because I'm pretty sure that isn't the right one because I don't think I really truly can say I'm DEPRESSED. That is such a strong word. I just feel hopeless and helpless at times. I have so many people doing for me and I always kind of wonder if they get tired of it. . . .
First, it was Malia's father who went above and beyond for me. I always ask myself and replay our last 3 years together and how much stress and strain my illness was on our relationship. Makes you wonder if that's why we didn't make it. I know you should always be there for your significant other, but I know I lost who I was in the relationship. I wasn't fun anymore, I wasn't Kayla.
Second, it's my mother. She has been working her butt of to make sure her hours are enough so that I can have insurance. She hasn't had a vacation because her time off was saved for me and nights spent in the hospital. She just does so much and I feel like quite a burden at times. She has a sick child. It takes a strong and incredible woman to be by your child's side through it all. I just hope it isn't too much.
Third, there is my Tia Jackie. She always doing and doing. An angel you would call her.
Fourth, Julia the neighbor. She's been here through my journey.
Fifth, all of you. Reading my blog and telling me what a strong woman I am, and how you feel about me.


It is so amazing the support and the way my loved ones and complete strangers make me feel. But I just hope nobody ever gets tired of doing for me. Like I said, I feel helpless and hopeless. I just want to help everyone who's helped me and I'm a pretty creative person and usually I have a billon and one ideas but not this time. I'm just tired of being the sick girl.. The one that is trying to hold it together and prove I'm strong enough for all of this.
I want to be the girl that was full of life and could light up the room and make everyone laugh. Dance without worrying my bag is going to pop or leak. Stop worrying if people can see this Ostomy bag through my clothes. Not being able to travel or work because I have another surgery or doctors appointment that's coming up. It's like a pain that makes you want to cry but the tears aren't coming out. It's a weird feeling, I'm exhausted and tired and just want to sleep the entire day away. I want to have all the energy my three year old has so we can go play at the park, chase each other around, or have enough energy to get through the entire day with her. Without saying "Malia not today." Less then 6 weeks away and I feel hopeless and helpless. I am getting excited to go back to work but then I wonder if I'll be able to even find a job, worried about the interview process and worried if I'll ever find myself again. The joy in life. The person I once was before all of this.. Before the stupid illness. And the acne on my face. I worry about my liver and kidneys. All the things I had to go through with this disease.. I want to sit with my best friend's for hours and not have to worry about a thing. I want to go to the beach and run through the waves, put sand all over my body, wear a bikini and not have to worry about my damn bag. Or an anti-fungal cream or powder I have to put on every hour because then ill start itching and then my anxiety will act up. I just want to be normal again. Run in the water with not a single worry in the world. I want to be able to be the Kayla that I know I am.. So that maybe just maybe Malia's father will find a way to love me again. I just am really sad right now. I saw the picture below and thought to myself.. Ulcerative Colitis does suck. It's not cancer.. Thank you God. It's not going to kill me but it has taken away so much of who I am and the enjoyment of life and the beauty in it. I've lost all of that because I let this disease take control of me. Ulcerative Colitis beat me up and took exactly what it wanted out of me, but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired Ulcerative colitis.. You won't win this one because I am not going to let you define me. I am going to fight and fight everyday for Kayla. She's in there and you haven't won. I will never be depressed because of you. I am over you.. Goodbye, Ulcerative Colitis.. you suck!

Jackie Palma & Lucia Escobar

This post isn't suppose to make you cry or make you sad but simply explain how thankful and blessed I am to have you two in my life.
Lucia, you have always been my rock, my best friend, and the woman I can share anything with. You never judge me and you may get angry and you may not be happy with my choices or my decisions but you're always by my side. You'll hold my hand through anything and you'll Sleep on a cot for days, even if that means weeks or months. Or even a big bill to the massage therapist. You have always been someone I can count on and talk to about anything and even though I may drive you crazy or give you attitude or be extremely bossy. You're always there. This has been the toughest time of my life. With losing someone I loved, being sick and having to go through these surgeries. And being a mom of a 3 year old, who needs me more than anything right now. You're always there. You are so incredible, and so good to me. I don't know how I will ever repay but I'm going to try. You give up everything back home to be here in Los Angeles with me. Doctor appointments after doctor appointments, helping with Malia. I know you probably didn't have that when you were my age. Help but you're so great at it and Malia adores you. She loves her grams and she knows you're an awesome woman. I love you to the end of the moon and back again. I love you times infinity.. If I haven't ever told you through this entire process that I am thankful and appreciate you so much, I do. Thank you for making this journey feel like a breeze because no matter how hard it gets and no matter if I want to Give up, you're always there And I know you won't let me. Just like you said, "I would trade places with you if I could." I wouldn't even wish that upon you and I don't even want to imagine it but I know I'm not in this alone and I know if you could you would take the pain away. Just being there in this moment and having my back and cleaning my bag. I love you for it all. Thank you.
Jackie, where do I even begin with you. You have always been my hero. Because you have been through more stuff than I could ever imagine. Things I wouldn't even be able to handle, or grasp. Through life, pain, health and stress. You stand tall and never once show any sort of pain, hurt or anger. You're the sweetest woman I have ever encounter and not only do I want to be like you when I grow up but now I want Malia to be just like you. Malia loves you so much and I could only name a few right now because the list could go on for days but you gave Malia and I so much. You put a roof over our head and you treat Malia as if she was your own. I am so glad we are living with you because she's learning and she's watching and I wouldn't want her to have anybody else as her role model but you! Through this entire journey, you've given me life again, joy and just pure happiness when I'm in your presence. I don't ever have time to be sad or depressed because you're already on to the next activity. You keep myself and Malia busy. We don't have time to even process what's been going on because none of
That matters when we are with you. We are so well taking care of and happy that at the end of the day we go to sleep with smiles on our face and ready to Conquer the next. I love you for being the concrete in this moment. For holding my hand and for helping me with my Malia. When you're gray and old. We'll be there with a bed pan or a diaper, with a bath tub and a sponge, and we'll be you're strength when life gets you down.
Thank you God for blessing me
With two incredible women, inspirations and my strength through this process. And even though I may not tell you everyday or show you right now how much you guys truly mean to me. I'm sorry.. But you two are my world. Without you none of this would have been possible. And the girl that is supposably strong.. Wouldn't be standing on two feet, if it wasn't for the both of you.

Love you, and thank you.

A week after surgery!

Waking up today was one of the hardest.

I felt pain, I felt sorrow and honestly since my surgery I kind of just wanted to lay down and feel sorry for myself. It's tough, and it's frustrating and most of the time I'm pretty strong and carry a brave face, but today my body ached, my heart hurt and my stoma was throbbing.
I was in and out of sleep for most the morning and the entire afternoon, and then my mind was going 1,000 times a minute. It would wake me up and I'd be drenched in sweat from my dreams and then when I woke up I realized that even though right now my life feels like a struggle and this BAG is still attached to me. I'm still so much better of a person then to lay in this bed and feel sorry for myself.
So, I slept for a little longer and had to just snap out of it. It helped that my mother is a wonderful lady who has amazing sister's that would go to the end of the world for me.. My Tia Isabel showed up today after her dentist appointment and we all just laid on my bed and in that moment I wanted to cry, I wanted to let all my emotions out but could you imagine four ladies crying in one room.
So I held it in and I just enjoyed the moment and soaked it all in. Because God has blessed me with this support system that is so strong and even though I'm not going to die and even though I'm holding myself together. It wouldn't be possible without all of you.
We moved the group into the living where my cousin and uncle joined and only added to how great my life is and how I shouldn't be curled up in my bed feeling sorry for myself. We ate lunch and we socialized.
The pain at this time was still there but hardly noticeable because I was in great company.

But as I'm watching my mother and aunt Isabel play just dance. I'm laughing and seriously it was the best therapy anyone could have asked for.
I felt something wasn't right and sure enough I look down at my pants and my Ostomy bag began to leak. I wouldn't have freaked out but I did because right now I have a plastic rod with stitches in my stoma and honestly it's going to take some getting use to but thank god it
Will be removed tomorrow. We were only given 3 bags for Sunday-Wednesday in case of emergency but I thought everything would be just fine. As my mother and aunt rush in the bedroom and get all the supplies.. I'm shaking, I'm nervous and I'm in pain. My mother holds it all together for the both of us and my aunt she's so fascinated, she wouldn't have cared if she got poop all over her. She was a champ, ready and willing to do anything we asked of her.
Many complications trying to apply the first bag and it wasn't successful, so my aunt and mother began to apply bag #2. I think we knew where we messed up and tried fixing our mistakes but it was quite complicated, so again we failed a second time. Just as my Aunt Jackie was coming in from her weekly meeting. She threw on a pair of gloves and was ready for whatever she needed to conquer. She just said call me Nurse Jackie.

With other complications previous. We were finally successful. You should have seen these women. Already amazing mothers turned into doctors, nurses and probably could have been anything I asked of them. They didn't once complain, they didn't once gross out and they never gave up. If you could have seen them you would have been so proud of them. Always there when needed. My mother is always my rock and has never once let me down but I'm blessed with two other women that can play that same role if ever needed. I love all 3 women with everything I have. And I will be there in return when I'm needed. Gray & old. You beautiful ladies can always count on me. I'll change your diaper, i'll Do whatever is asked of me.

Finally after a long eventful day, I will rest my eyes and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to conquer another day.

You must be able to start each day as a new day and let go of yesterday. You must be able to feel sorry for yourself but not where it takes control of you. You must move forward and see each and every challenge as a way of growing and moving forward. Baby girl. You're stronger then you could have ever of imagined.