Update on J-pouch.

Well, it's been a month & 16 days. I've been cleared by my doctor. No restrictions. And I must try everything. By that he means food. He also said, for me to "have fun." It's been a long road, go do something fun. I could think of a million things I could be doing right now, but part of me is afraid and then the other part just wants it to be a year passed already. . 

My walk is coming near and usually I'm excited, I'm pumped. But I think I'm just dreading the fact that I haven't made the difference I want to make. I know that's awful, and I shouldn't be that way. But this foundation means so much to me, I just want everything to be perfect. I want to raise the most money, put the most work into it. I just want to be the difference and most importantly I want millions to stop suffering. 

Well enough about that:

This post is suppose to be about my j-pouch and how well it has been functioning. Again, I will be very detailed in this blog because I need you to know what it's like to live with a j-pouch. It's my soul-purpose for this blog. 

Well.. I have to admit. I've had bad days. And I have had plenty more great days since my surgery.

Rule: No hotdogs, no spicy food, no alcohol and no absolutely no salad. 

I've been trying to learn to say no to food but that's been so hard. I've been unable to eat for such a long period in my life. I just see food and the thought of it touching my tongue makes me a happy lady. Because I want everything. I love spicy food and I absolutely love salads, so not being able to look, touch or eat it. Just stinks.

Well j-pouch has been putting out awful output. Green, green and more green. Everything coming out whole. And major stomach aches. I always feel dehydrated. But again, I only have myself to blame. I know what I should stay away from and what's okay. Trail and error. That's how I see it. And the worse part about having the j-pouch and using the restroom constantly is that you may get irritation, bleeding, burning and itching from your anus. Doctor Fleshner, suggest getting all the butt creams and seeing what works best for me. 

I have to end with no matter how much it sounds like I'm complaining. I'm not. I just want you to understand the daily frustrations and routine with having a j-pouch: but I wouldn't trade it for the world. As long as I never have to deal with the pain of Ulcerative Colitis. A butt rash, itch or pain can be easily fixed. And I'm okay with finding out what works best for me and my body. It's only been a little over a month... I will get the hang of this. It just takes time.

The pouch, the j-pouch.

Three weeks after surgery and I feel like a brand new person. I probably have been doing more then I should but you have to understand that for 3 years my life was taken from me ---by Ulcerative Colitis. I just want to live, I want to go back to work and doing the many things that make me Kayla. 

I'm at a point where I don't want to stay in the house anymore and recuperate. I'm tired of letting UC suck the life out of me. I'm tired of being the sick girl and the loner. Ulcerative colitis doesn't live in me anymore and  I just really love the way that sounds. 

It hasn't been quite a month since I've "taken it easy." But I hate that Ulcerative Colitis was the deciding factor of how much my body was able to take and what I can and cannot eat. 

I'm ready to live.

And in these 3 weeks, I've been living. To Disneyland, California Adventures, the movies and eating whatever my heart desires but of course in moderations. I know I don't want to end up back in the hospital, being poked and pricked, so instead of going all out like I wish I could. I'm "taken it easy" in my definition of take it easy. 

My j-pouch has given me the quality of life I've been dreaming of. I'm able to use the restroom when I want too. I'm able to hold a bowel without rushing and panicking to the bathrooms and slowly adding more foods to my diet and so far only hot dogs are --deadly. 

At night I'm trying to adjust. I'm not getting the best of sleep because the constant urge to use the restroom sometimes I'm too exhausted to get out of bed but I end up paying for it later -- but that's exactly why the invented washer and dryers right? For people who don't have a colon and have an accident. That's what I thought. 

I've added some spicy food but not too much, been eating lots of chocolate which is only going to make me fat but my j-pouch seems to have no complaints. He enjoys it and I'm loving every minute of it because chocolate and my yucky colon never got a long.

My scar is healing up // the first scab already peeled off. I almost threw up but I survived and just in a few more weeks hopefully my scar will be less visible.

So ill end with my j-pouch hasn't done me wrong yet and I'm hoping I get many more days like today-- because I deserve them. I deserve to be happy and my j-pouch is making me feel amazing and brand-new. So if you doubt yourself and think this surgery isn't for you. Maybe the j-pouch may not be your answer but getting rid of that yucky colon is. Say Goodbye, and you will live, to feel like I do right now. This is going to be the end of Ulcerative Colitis but only a new beginning for Me and my J-pouch.

Don't stop believing. 

The emotional aspect of Colitis.

Having Ulcerative Colitis has changed the person I once was, I use to be fun, creative, motivated, willing to do anything, spontaneous, and truthful. I use to look at life in a whole different light; meeting people who have colitis, I've noticed the many things Colitis has done to them:
lower self-esteem, hard to communicate with others, not social, hard to look at themselves, hard to move on, and mostly draining where they feel as if they want to give up. You ask of course how I know this: Because I've felt those feelings. I've felt alone. There would be days I would come home from work, and just cry. I felt like I was in this bubble and I couldn't get out. There was no exit. I never did anything about it, because most of the time I was able to snap myself out of it. I looked for support groups and I looked for people to talk to, but they didn't understand. Not my best friends, not my neighbors, not my co-workers, not my family, people at church, or even a complete stranger. I would do walks for Crohn's & Colitis and would meet people who were going through the same thing, I even went to Crohn's & Colitis fundraising groups and I felt better at the end of the night, but it was never enough. I wondered what I was doing wrong, why do I feel this way? Why do I feel alone?
I became this person that would flake out on her friends, on plans made. I would hide out in my apartment or in my bedroom because I was afraid to face the world. Most of the time I was afraid to open up. I feared losing myself, depression, actually being alone or thinking the unthinkable. Days I'd have thoughts that I don't even want to mention, but that's besides the point.
There comes a point where you have to sit down and say look,
"I'm better than this, better than this disease and I will not let it defeat me." 
For me it took one absolutely amazing woman, who has been through the same thing as myself but a million times worse I think. (I wont mention her name, just in case.) but once I let her in and let her tell me her story, her feelings and her emotions. It helped a great deal, because then you know you're not alone. I would text her on my bad days, or call her when I needed just to hear "that it was going to be okay, there's going to be an end, don't stop fighting."

One day I was in my car and I was headed to a doctor's appointment right before I got there, I had this urge that I need to use the restroom and for those of you that don't know what Colitis really is, you CANNOT hold it, you must go right away. Or else you'd have an accident. Well right before I walked in front of the office door.. let's just say I didn't make the bathroom. I ran to my car and booked it home. I cleaned up, showered within 3 minutes I was headed back to my doctor's appointment, I froze. I was driving and I froze... I put on my emergency lights and I cried, and cried. I felt ashamed, I felt worthless and I felt like I couldn't live like this anymore. I picked up the phone after about 10 minutes of crying. And Called the one person that knew what it felt like.. to live with this disease. She didn't know I was crying and she didn't know what happened but after telling me I was going to be okay, I hung up the phone, turned off my emergency lights and headed to my doctor's appointment. Those simple words snapped me back to reality -- and saved me for possibly getting rear-ended by another car.

The reason I tell you that story is because God puts angels in your life. God gives you a hand to hold and a person to lean on. When you're going through something, fighting an illness, you shouldn't have to do it alone, you shouldn't have to feel you need to keep it bottled up inside. Support groups are amazing but you need to find the right people that you're able to open up too. You could have lots of friends or a huge circle but only a selected few will actually care and ask how you're feeling, and try to step in your shoes and help you find yourself again. Make you smile again, and make you realize you're a strong person and cheer you up when you're at you're lowest point.

I hope that one day I can become that person for you, for me, and for the millions of people fighting Ulcerative Colitis. Because I know what you're feeling, I know it's hard. You're crying and you probably don't know what to do next.. BUT if I could be that person you'll listen too. Just know the fight is almost over, and the way you're feeling wont last forever. Please don't ever give up on yourself, you're stronger than you think.

This is for you.

Take my hand
and hold me close

Walk with me
and I'll walk with you

I'll carry you
when you're low

I'll even stand right below.

just in case
you might fall

I'll be right here
or down the hall.

I'll hold your hand
and wipe your tears

please have no fears
for you are not alone

you're stronger then a stone.
you must know.

I'm not GOD
but I'm just like you

a girl who fought a disease
I am too

a Colitis fighter
and I'm here for you.

and help you find the brighter
side of you.






If anyone has questions, concerns, fears.
Or just needs someone to talk to.
I am always here, you can connet with me on facebook/kayla.escobar.332
or email me mis_kaylove5@yahoo.com

I wish I had someone who really understood what I was going through 3 years ago, but now that I have all this support.. I'm finding who I really am again, and things about myself I didn't even know. My circle has only became bigger and of course I've realized the people who are really there at your bedside when you need them. You'll never know what I went through unless you asked me. Even just a faeebook message to say you read my blog, or a text message after surgery impacted me. Made me want to be a better person, and I'll be there for you when you need me. Ulcerative Colitis you were once apart of me, but not anymore. This is my life and I'm so ready to have it back.

"Alone we can do so Little, together we can do so much."
"Never be afraid to help others, in their time of need, you never know when you may need that shoulder to lean on."


and last but no least.

"Do not judge a girl on what you can see, she may be fighting cancer, or an incurable disease, she could be a girl in chronic pain. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is hurting. She may look young, but she feels decades older. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks she cleans, she works when she can, and sometimes when she cant. She is, but she is NOT all at once. She is here, but part of her is missing. She fights a battle you will never see. But if you can take a moment to look beyond the smile, you might see that girl is me."


Thank you for the support. xo

Dr. Fleshner

I don't know if I will be able to look you in the eyes and tell you this tomorrow but I am beyond thankful for you. Even if I've been stubborn throughout this entire process and I've cried many tears in front of you. I thank god everyday for a man like you. You're my life saver, my hero.
The man I can always count on and say he made a difference in my life.
Dr. Fleshner, I wish there were more people like you.
"It takes a great doctor to pull off what you have, but you made it look so easy. You're a doctor I'll always remember. You not only imprinted my heart, but I have a body part that was reconstructed by you."
"The mama with no colon can point fingers at you, but not because i'm angry, but because I'm thankful beyond measure for you."





God.
"You have helped me see the light of things, you have given me strength I never knew I had, you watched the hands of Dr. Fleshner as he operated on me. You gave me people in my life that would go above and beyond for me. My parents who have struggles of their own, be there by my bedside as I recover. Eating hospital food and spending money on hotel rooms.
My brother and sisters who travel hours to be with me, you were there so they arrived safely and you were there on their return home. My aunt and uncle who take time off to just be there and make me laugh and Malia's father who hasn't been the best of a man but is making up for it. You have helped me fight when I didn't even think I had a fight left in me. You've given me new friends. Megan Freda- battles the same illness as I do. And even though we live miles away and never met.. we are connected because of you and we always will be. I'll always wonder where she's at, how she's doing, and if her new life is bringing her happiness. And that's all because of you. The man of many miracles."

You all may think I'm strong, and you make think I don't cry. But God has given me the strength everyday to wake up and live. He's told me I'm amazing, he's
Told me I'm better then what I give myself credit for. He's even given me Malia when I was only 21 years old, but he knew I was capable of being a great mommy. That's all I'll ever strive to be now.

Ulcerative Colitis you are no longer apart of me anymore, and I'm thrilled. It's amazing to think someone could live
Without a colon, but in replace of it, is given a j-pouch: that warns you when you have to go to the restroom but it doesn't hurt. See with ulcerative colitis- it hurt and sometimes it would be so bad, I would bleed, I would throw up and I'd would curl into a ball and just want to scream. You couldn't hold it and if you tried.. Believe me, you'd only be angry at yourself. There would be POOP everywhere. Hopefully you have black on. But with your j-pouch it just lets you know when it's full and it's time to release. So far I've been able
To hold it and that's a week after surgery and I'm able to say that. I still wear protection just in case but hopefully that's only for a little while until I have full control
Of my bowel and trust my j-pouch. You do get irritated down there but you find creams and things that suite you, and make you comfortable. So far.. I have no
Complaints with my j-pouch.
I've introduced watermelon and honeydew to my j-pouch today and I felt fine. I was able to be active today, so I cooked and cleaned. An had about 5-6 bowel movements but nothing to drastic. I could manage that, as long as there is no pain.. I don't care how many bowels I have. Just getting use to my new friend. And I'll update you as time passes. Just trying to heal up my battle wounds and get rid of all these bruises so I can enjoy some free-time. Also give me a few more weeks and I'll have a name for my j-pouch.

Love you all, and thank you for reading.

Ostomy Closure

You wake up after the procedure and you're filled with joy of course. The only thing that you want to see is the fact that your colostomy bag is no longer there. You feel pain, but it's like a throbbing pain and the nurses are amazing at controlling that pain. You cry tears because you're happy, that it's all finally over. (fingers crossed)

The amount of support I had was quite overwhelming. One moment I felt like locking myself in the restroom and crying, but I knew I couldn't allow myself to do that.

Day 1: I could honestly say I felt like I didn't have anything done to me, I had visitors and I actually was drowsy most of the day, but I could function and that night I rested pretty well.

Day 2: Was absolutely amazing, family and friends were there to support me and It was wonderful. Kept me busy and I was put on a solid fiber restricted diet. It was actually pretty nice because I hadn't eaten in over 36 hours at this point, so food tasted great. I can't say I have many complaints. I was bloated and I had slight pain off and on but nothing the nurses couldn't manage. I walked, I got up and down and moved around. I felt good.

Besides the heparin shots every 12 hours I really have no other complaints or reason NOT to get this surgery.

Day 3: Was a little tough, I felt tired. 

I felt pain, I felt like I had worked out and was sore. They had to take the dressing out of my wound where my once stoma was. OUCH! But again, you've already gone through so much at this point, so that's nothing.. I slept and slept.

Day 4: I was released.

I felt constipated but it was only because I was getting use to the new j-pouch.

It felt great to actually be able to go to the restroom like a normal human-being and able to fart threw my butt- that was my favorite part. 

If you're thinking about getting the surgery and you've dealt with Ulcerative Colitis for quite sometime and you fear the pain, the needles and the what if's-- DONT! Our bodies have gone through so much already and you can handle the surgery and the healing process. I believe in you and you should believe in yourself.

"God can turn obstacles into opportunities."

Night before surgery.

I feel like I'm going to vomit. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It might just be because I'm hungry and I haven't eaten in like 24 hours, but it's a strange feeling. Of course I can't sleep because my anxiety is acting up. I'm extremely excited but then I feel like I'm going to faint. . . A mixed of emotion.

Surgery.
J-pouch.
GOD.
Strength.
Family.
Love.
Malia.
Blood.
Needles.
Pain.
Vomit.
Excitement.
Fear.
All the words that are running through my head right now. I'm 24 years old, I never thought I'd be having surgery. . . But I'm thankful that I was given the opportunity to have this surgery.

I have all of you standing by my side.
And the strength to do this only one more
Time. Fingers crossed I'm out of the hospital by Sunday and I get Roscoe's delivered to me.

Love you all.

Reading means you believe in me, thank you.

If you're reading this and you dont know me, but you're suffering with Ulcerative Colitis, Crohn's, IBD, Colon Cancer and/or all the above. Just remember you're not alone. 24 people out of 100,000 are suffering with UC globally. This disease can hit children, teens, adults, seniors and seriously at any moment in time, especially when you least expect it.
If you've been reading my blog since day one. Thank you.
I wish I could take away your pain, your depression, your anger, your sadness, the why me's and the stress of dealing with this disease or life. I wish you didnt have to go through any heart-breaks, health issues, financial issues or feeling alone. Having a disease puts you at the end of a ledge and you dont know whether you should jump or if you should step away from that ledge and fight.
I reached a point in my illness where I wanted to jump and I thought I couldnt do this anymore. Nobody understood, the fight I put up everyday. The struggle it was to wake up in the morning and say I can live another day. Yes, I have my daughter who has been the greatest blessing through this all because she gave me the reason to fight and fight but you dont know what it does to your head. The emotional aspect of it all. BUT you have to be STRONGER than that. You have to fight harder and you have to realize you have so many people that would stand with you in your corner. You may not be able to call them Family, friends, people you've known for years. BUT you have millions of people suffereing with illnesses, diseases and everyday life. If I could reach through this computer and hold your hand and take away all the hurt I would, but I cant. I know you feel alone right now, but you're not. Take a look around.. find a support group, talk to a complete stranger, maybe even your night nurse when you're in the hospital. It really does help, it's extremely therapeutic, but holding it in and not talking about it only breaks you as a person and plays emotional and mental head games with you.

God puts people in your life so that you could learn things about yourself that you never knew existed.
God gives you the strength you need to conquer the most difficult situations by placing hands or people in your life that bring out the joy, and make you realize you're so much better of a human-being than you give yourself credit for.
God doesnt give you anything you cant handle, he closes one door and then opens another. He gives you strength to handle anything that comes your way. He guides you through the obstacles when the devil places them there.

This blog might be longer then all the others but I had a billion emotions run through my head today. I didnt know whether to be happy, to cry, to scream, to jump up and down for joy, to call a friend, to talk my aunts ear off, to be scared, to be all of these emotions, in one single day.

I had my pre-op appointment today to let me know how my J-pouch has healed and if it is going to be ready for fridays surgery. You have to put that gown on before you enter the x-ray room and the nurse tells you to remove clothes from the waist down. Of course I'm scared at this moment because I dont know if the procedure is going to hurt, I always assume that it's going to because then if it doesnt, at least i'm prepared. The x-ray didnt hurt at all, if you're wondering. They stuck a little tub into my BUTT, and they filled it with dye. They wanted to make sure there was no leaks coming from my j-pouch and they took many photos and asked me to move around. They said I might experience cramping but It went pretty well. After the procedure, I cleaned up and headed down to the surgeon's office. I was excited to see him. I'm just ready to put this all past me. He began to do his procedure and i'm not even going to explain that because if you're considering the surgery, this might just change your mind and you have to get it done every 3 months after the final surgery, so let's just say. RELAX, BREATHE and close your eyes and you'll be just fine. The final result was that i'm ready to conquer surgery number 3, i'm offically Ulcerative Colitis Free and that My Ostomy Bag will be gone at 7:15 am on Friday Morning. I could have kissed Dr. Fleshner's feet at that moment. God placed his hands on Doctor Fleshner and got me to where I'm at today. He's pretty amazing and he will be there friday, so he told me not to be any of those emotions but HAPPY, so tonight, I'll go to bed happy.

I never thought someone could actually feel happy and excited for surgery, but after 3 years and 8 months, I'm just ready to be me again. My 1st purchase will be a bathing suit and my 1st thriller will be to jump out of a plane (Skydiving) and my 1st step to move on with my life will be to get a gym membership and join something that will help me earn confidence back. According to Malia I will be Working again.. She says, "After Friday, you can get a Job." Thanks Malia, but I really am ready to go back to work and have a social life again.

I also want to stress in this blog, that just because I haven't mentioned you doesnt mean I dont love and apperciate all that you have done for me. I could name so many people who have been with me through this journey. Whether it was being at my surgery, the gifts, holding my hand, wiping my tears, bathing me, reading to me, painting my nails, calling me, texting me, donating money to CCFA, for traveling, for emotional support, for words of encouragement, for reading this blog... I am thankful for you everyday, and I pray and I write your name down in my journal.

This blog is meant to focus on things that one will go through during a life changing event, through surgery, through having to deal with a disease. It doesnt only affect the person who is sick, it affects the community, your friends, your family, your parents, your significant other, your child, your job, and your well-being. Everyone around you changes, things change and the way you use to see yourself changes. I apologize if I havent mentioned you, or wrote a blog about you but it doesnt mean I dont recongize how much this has affected you as well. Thank you and I'll keep saying thank you for being there for me when the road got too long for me to walk alone. Thank you for believing in me, helping me financially or for pushing me to be a better person.

Before I die all I ask is I change one persons life, because than I know I lived.

A woman made of Iron.

It's been a while since I've had any thoughts, any emotions. I've been doing pretty good, or maybe just realizing that it's all about to come to an end. (God willingly) but honestly I've been having a wonderful week. I've traveled to Fresno & Los Banos where I was surprised with my dear friend Steitz. She brings joy in every shape or form. She makes you have a night to remember and just keeps you focused on the good things in life. It was also fun meeting up with people from high school, I know many people don't like going back to LB and have a billion and one bad things to say about it but I enjoy it, so much. Especially having the wonderful people who surround me when I'm there.
Tonight I met a woman who has been there with me since I've started
Writing this blog, someone who has lifted me high, in spirits and in hope. She always knows just what to say and she's very very strong. It's like you think you've met the strongest woman in your life, she's triple that. She looks amazing and happy and so faithful and believes in God. It amazes me, someone who's been through so much, could smile and welcome you in with open arms. I could go on for days and days, I could also give you a list of things she bought Malia. Not even knowing us physically or for a long time, she has shown so much support and has so much love in her heart for not only myself but Malia, thank you God for all that I have gone through because I have met the most incredible people during this journey and it's so wonderful, that I am truly blessed.
Linda Contreras- thank you for allowing my mom, Malia & I to come into your home and share stories of our experiences, to make us dinner and dessert and to be so kind. To find it in your heart to smile and believe in me and make me feel like I'm special. I love you so much and I hope today wasn't the 1st, or the last time we ever see each other.

Whoever is reading this know that God is the most realist man ever. No matter how much you're hurting, how much you've suffered or if you think nobody understands. They really really do. And maybe that person or those people haven't found you, or opened up their arms to protect you, lift you up or be there when you need them the most. Doesn't mean they aren't real or they aren't
Coming.. Or they don't exist. God is working on a plan for you and he will be there when you least expect it. You just gotta have faith. You gotta keep believing and knowing that the worse is almost over and that you don't have to fight alone or pretend like you don't have something. You don't have to be strong all of the time. Life is going to be hard, life is going to hit you when you least expect it but you gotta keep moving forward and you have to continue to fight. Put your mind to something and then all things are possible. Just because you have an illness doesn't mean you stop living, doesn't mean you hate life because of it. You have to be better than that. You have to take the hit and get back up, because god always has a plan, but the right plan. That will come when God knows you're ready and want to take his hand.

"It takes a strong woman to endure the pain we have, it takes a good woman to accept it and it takes an even better woman to live with it and move on"

Having a 3 year old.

So, today I finally found myself the time and the courage to sit down with Malia and explain everything.. Having a 3 year old in my life through this entire journey is the best thing I could of been blessed with but also an even bigger challenge.
I'm trying to explain that this disease was intended for good things and not bad. I don't ever want her to look at this as if it's something we hate, or something we are angry at... In her eyes I want to be nothing less than strong and in her eyes, I want her to tell the world a story, but a good one of her childhood.
It's crazy how much she has learned from this, how much she has dealt with and she's only 3 years old. She was always in the restroom with me, running to find a stall and having to stand in a public restroom and not touch a thing.
There were days when she would see me throwing up and hours later we would find her pretending to throw up as well, gagging into her princess toilet and all she ever wanted was to be like mommy. She never knew I was sick or that she wasn't suppose to be doing that, but through this illness she has grown into a mature 3 year old. She knows mommy is sick and she's willing to do anything and everything in her power to help her mommy.
So today we sat down and I thanked her and hugged and told her that Mommy is almost better. You know what her response was? "Mommy, now that you are better can we go to the toy stores and can we go to the beach?" I laughed and my eyes become very watery. Yes, Malia we can go and do anything you want. I'm always going to be here, and I'm sorry I missed your birthday this year because I was sick. She looked at me with her beautiful, big eyes and said, "mommy,
I had the best birthday this year, lots
Of presents, a jumping thingy and cake. Destiny, Issy and Peter were there." She didn't even realize that I had to make it up to her weeks later because I missed the actual day being hospitalized and that killed me. All she knew was that she had a wonderful birthday.. And mommy was there for her.
I even mentioned to her that my bag was coming off and it won't be there in a few weeks, she asked, "Where is it going?" Seriously the cutest response ever. I just said it's going away. Hopefully forever but if not, it's okay.. We will deal with that when the time comes but for now, We will say good-bye and we are going to be happy and mommy is going to be better. She then asked, "Do we still have to go to the doctor?" Yes, Malia but only for a little while and then hopefully mommy won't have to go so much. She said, "Yay!"
Whoosh, am I glad that went well. She handled it so nicely. And here I was freaking out, almost sitting in a puddle . She then grabs my face, kisses me and says "I love you, everything gonna be okay mommy." Where the heck does she get this from? I ran to the bathroom, pretending to wash my face because tears were running down my Cheeks. Thank you God for blessing me with such a beautiful, understanding and smart baby-girl. Malia without you, none of this would have been possible. The strength I have is because of you. One day, this will be past us both and mommy will be able to go to all the toy stores and beach without having to rush to a restroom, or lay in bed all day because she's in pain, or rush to the hospital and leave you for weeks. I love you Malia Renee'. You are my backbone and the heart to my beat.

Struggles & everyday.

Last night I couldn't sleep, the pain and the itch was to the max. I found myself too tired to change my bag, so I took Benadryl and after 45 minutes the medication kicked in and made me extremely sleepy and I ended up passing out. Thank goodness. Here is what I have to deal with daily and my supplies. I think I need to learn to be a little more organized but my system is working out well for me right now.

Hope everyone has a great day! Xo

I think i'm having a bad case of---PostSURGERY Depression.

I want thoughts to come pouring out but nothing seems to come to mind. I'm happy most of the time and knowing my surgeries are coming to an end, I'm even more happier. Who wouldn't be? But I'm getting nervous again, this time around.
I might get very graphic in this blog. But it's how I truly feel and my soul-purpose for this blog is to really just be myself and to let it all go. Once I'm done writing I feel like a part of me is free-again. Like I can go on with my day, my week, my night, and hopefully after all of this has past I can go on with my life.
I think or should I say I know I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of letting Malia down and my family because if I let this disease define me and take away my character I'm not being true to myself and I'm not living.
I don't want to wake up one day and be disappointed in my decisions. Like was this surgery in the best interest for not only me but Malia. I think yes? Or I else I wouldn't have done it. BUT what if my j-pouch doesn't succeed. What if I'm not strong enough to handle it. I'm having dreams about this--all of the time. What is wrong with me? And they are usually dark and scary dreams. Who in thier right mine just dreams about this stuff? It's so weird to me, and I just want them to go away.

After surgery #2. I have a list of complaints and I want to share them because if I don't then I'm not being true to myself and to all of you. I hated it and everything that it has become to this point. For example: My Stoma has been giving me problems since day one. I can't seem to keep my bowels solid, just per liquid. I'm constantly having to use the restroom and emptying my bag, it makes a lot more noise this time around and the gas is extremely annoying. There will be nights ill wake up and my bag is full- to the max and hard as a rock. Many many leaks and I feel this time around it smells more. Like everyone around me can smell it. Maybe that's just me, but the itching under the bag isn't. And it's so frustrating. I'll catch myself, itching or patting my skin in public and I hate that. I feel this time around everyone can notice my bag. I use to change my bag every 3-5 days, most of the time I was able to get away with 5 days and that was amazing; however that isnt the case this time. If i go 2 days, my itching and rash become unbearable and I just want to scream. The stoma this time around has two openings and one leads to my j-pouch. I guess I could use medical terms but I'm writing this blog so that everyone can understand in my terms. One hole produces mucus and the other is where my bowel comes out of, so some nights I have accidents which are extremely weird because it's just clear-liquid coming from my behind. (I'm trying to remember not to say BUTT because then Malia laughs.) but I guess that's just the mucus but it's uncontrollable at times, which makes me nervous because I dont have control of it all of the time and i'm just worried that's how it's going to be once I get my j-pouch connected.
When I made the decison to do the surgery I was ready for anything. Before surgery 2 I could have lived with my ostomy bag for the rest of my life, no complaints, but this time, I dont know if i'm just weak or if it's just getting a little too much to handle. The recovery period for surgery 2 was a piece of cake especially when you have A mother named Lucy & an aunt named Jackie.
But seriously, the after effects of this surgery just makes me want to lay in bed all day. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything. There are days when I dont even want to get dressed, only by force. It's just tiring, and frustrating to have to put on clothes and fear everyone can see your BAG.
My follow-up appoinment after surgery was awful. I got really bad anxiety because I knew the procedure involved putting something in my anus and I dont like that. My last doctor would check me every 4 weeks and it always put me in a bad mood. Dr. Fleshner warned me that once I get my j-pouch i'll be having that procedure done every 3 months. GREAT! I'm jumping for joy right now. NOT. But I guess i'll learn to enjoy it, deal with it and move on.

Today a wonderful lady sent me this:

"Always remember you are braver than you believe, Stronger than you seem, Smarter than you think & Twice as Beautiful as you'de ever IMAGINED."

I'll hold on to that for a very long time, because I dont think i'm brave, I think I was given this illness as a punishment in life, I'm not strong, I cry most of the time, I think i'm pretty smart if I apply myself. And I lost alot of my confidience to even believe or think I'm beautiful. ---- But give me one minute to explain myself. That's how I thought before people started reading my blog and that's how I felt when I was sick and alone and going through this all by myself. I didnt know or think people could ever understand what I was going through. Just thought "Oh poor me, i'm sick." BUT with all this amazing support and the strength it has given me. I do think so much differently now.
And I know i'll be that person to believe those things one day, like that quote. Once this month is over I will be complete again. I will look past all of this and thank every single one of you personally for being by my-side through this journey. I dont care what it takes, or if I get a writers cramp. I'm just amazed. GOD is the most powerful and wonderful man to make me feel like i'm on cloud 9 with the people that I have in my corner and that are rooting for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For giving me the strength to wake up in the morning and fight, fight, fight.

Keep calm or else you get Ulcerative Colitis

I haven't wrote a blog in a few days which feels like ages. I think I've been kind of trying to block out the fact that I'm dealing with any of this. But I have my low moments. Lately, I've felt quite numb to it all and I feel sort of depressed. I shouldn't even use that word because I'm pretty sure that isn't the right one because I don't think I really truly can say I'm DEPRESSED. That is such a strong word. I just feel hopeless and helpless at times. I have so many people doing for me and I always kind of wonder if they get tired of it. . . .
First, it was Malia's father who went above and beyond for me. I always ask myself and replay our last 3 years together and how much stress and strain my illness was on our relationship. Makes you wonder if that's why we didn't make it. I know you should always be there for your significant other, but I know I lost who I was in the relationship. I wasn't fun anymore, I wasn't Kayla.
Second, it's my mother. She has been working her butt of to make sure her hours are enough so that I can have insurance. She hasn't had a vacation because her time off was saved for me and nights spent in the hospital. She just does so much and I feel like quite a burden at times. She has a sick child. It takes a strong and incredible woman to be by your child's side through it all. I just hope it isn't too much.
Third, there is my Tia Jackie. She always doing and doing. An angel you would call her.
Fourth, Julia the neighbor. She's been here through my journey.
Fifth, all of you. Reading my blog and telling me what a strong woman I am, and how you feel about me.


It is so amazing the support and the way my loved ones and complete strangers make me feel. But I just hope nobody ever gets tired of doing for me. Like I said, I feel helpless and hopeless. I just want to help everyone who's helped me and I'm a pretty creative person and usually I have a billon and one ideas but not this time. I'm just tired of being the sick girl.. The one that is trying to hold it together and prove I'm strong enough for all of this.
I want to be the girl that was full of life and could light up the room and make everyone laugh. Dance without worrying my bag is going to pop or leak. Stop worrying if people can see this Ostomy bag through my clothes. Not being able to travel or work because I have another surgery or doctors appointment that's coming up. It's like a pain that makes you want to cry but the tears aren't coming out. It's a weird feeling, I'm exhausted and tired and just want to sleep the entire day away. I want to have all the energy my three year old has so we can go play at the park, chase each other around, or have enough energy to get through the entire day with her. Without saying "Malia not today." Less then 6 weeks away and I feel hopeless and helpless. I am getting excited to go back to work but then I wonder if I'll be able to even find a job, worried about the interview process and worried if I'll ever find myself again. The joy in life. The person I once was before all of this.. Before the stupid illness. And the acne on my face. I worry about my liver and kidneys. All the things I had to go through with this disease.. I want to sit with my best friend's for hours and not have to worry about a thing. I want to go to the beach and run through the waves, put sand all over my body, wear a bikini and not have to worry about my damn bag. Or an anti-fungal cream or powder I have to put on every hour because then ill start itching and then my anxiety will act up. I just want to be normal again. Run in the water with not a single worry in the world. I want to be able to be the Kayla that I know I am.. So that maybe just maybe Malia's father will find a way to love me again. I just am really sad right now. I saw the picture below and thought to myself.. Ulcerative Colitis does suck. It's not cancer.. Thank you God. It's not going to kill me but it has taken away so much of who I am and the enjoyment of life and the beauty in it. I've lost all of that because I let this disease take control of me. Ulcerative Colitis beat me up and took exactly what it wanted out of me, but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired Ulcerative colitis.. You won't win this one because I am not going to let you define me. I am going to fight and fight everyday for Kayla. She's in there and you haven't won. I will never be depressed because of you. I am over you.. Goodbye, Ulcerative Colitis.. you suck!

Jackie Palma & Lucia Escobar

This post isn't suppose to make you cry or make you sad but simply explain how thankful and blessed I am to have you two in my life.
Lucia, you have always been my rock, my best friend, and the woman I can share anything with. You never judge me and you may get angry and you may not be happy with my choices or my decisions but you're always by my side. You'll hold my hand through anything and you'll Sleep on a cot for days, even if that means weeks or months. Or even a big bill to the massage therapist. You have always been someone I can count on and talk to about anything and even though I may drive you crazy or give you attitude or be extremely bossy. You're always there. This has been the toughest time of my life. With losing someone I loved, being sick and having to go through these surgeries. And being a mom of a 3 year old, who needs me more than anything right now. You're always there. You are so incredible, and so good to me. I don't know how I will ever repay but I'm going to try. You give up everything back home to be here in Los Angeles with me. Doctor appointments after doctor appointments, helping with Malia. I know you probably didn't have that when you were my age. Help but you're so great at it and Malia adores you. She loves her grams and she knows you're an awesome woman. I love you to the end of the moon and back again. I love you times infinity.. If I haven't ever told you through this entire process that I am thankful and appreciate you so much, I do. Thank you for making this journey feel like a breeze because no matter how hard it gets and no matter if I want to Give up, you're always there And I know you won't let me. Just like you said, "I would trade places with you if I could." I wouldn't even wish that upon you and I don't even want to imagine it but I know I'm not in this alone and I know if you could you would take the pain away. Just being there in this moment and having my back and cleaning my bag. I love you for it all. Thank you.
Jackie, where do I even begin with you. You have always been my hero. Because you have been through more stuff than I could ever imagine. Things I wouldn't even be able to handle, or grasp. Through life, pain, health and stress. You stand tall and never once show any sort of pain, hurt or anger. You're the sweetest woman I have ever encounter and not only do I want to be like you when I grow up but now I want Malia to be just like you. Malia loves you so much and I could only name a few right now because the list could go on for days but you gave Malia and I so much. You put a roof over our head and you treat Malia as if she was your own. I am so glad we are living with you because she's learning and she's watching and I wouldn't want her to have anybody else as her role model but you! Through this entire journey, you've given me life again, joy and just pure happiness when I'm in your presence. I don't ever have time to be sad or depressed because you're already on to the next activity. You keep myself and Malia busy. We don't have time to even process what's been going on because none of
That matters when we are with you. We are so well taking care of and happy that at the end of the day we go to sleep with smiles on our face and ready to Conquer the next. I love you for being the concrete in this moment. For holding my hand and for helping me with my Malia. When you're gray and old. We'll be there with a bed pan or a diaper, with a bath tub and a sponge, and we'll be you're strength when life gets you down.
Thank you God for blessing me
With two incredible women, inspirations and my strength through this process. And even though I may not tell you everyday or show you right now how much you guys truly mean to me. I'm sorry.. But you two are my world. Without you none of this would have been possible. And the girl that is supposably strong.. Wouldn't be standing on two feet, if it wasn't for the both of you.

Love you, and thank you.

A week after surgery!

Waking up today was one of the hardest.

I felt pain, I felt sorrow and honestly since my surgery I kind of just wanted to lay down and feel sorry for myself. It's tough, and it's frustrating and most of the time I'm pretty strong and carry a brave face, but today my body ached, my heart hurt and my stoma was throbbing.
I was in and out of sleep for most the morning and the entire afternoon, and then my mind was going 1,000 times a minute. It would wake me up and I'd be drenched in sweat from my dreams and then when I woke up I realized that even though right now my life feels like a struggle and this BAG is still attached to me. I'm still so much better of a person then to lay in this bed and feel sorry for myself.
So, I slept for a little longer and had to just snap out of it. It helped that my mother is a wonderful lady who has amazing sister's that would go to the end of the world for me.. My Tia Isabel showed up today after her dentist appointment and we all just laid on my bed and in that moment I wanted to cry, I wanted to let all my emotions out but could you imagine four ladies crying in one room.
So I held it in and I just enjoyed the moment and soaked it all in. Because God has blessed me with this support system that is so strong and even though I'm not going to die and even though I'm holding myself together. It wouldn't be possible without all of you.
We moved the group into the living where my cousin and uncle joined and only added to how great my life is and how I shouldn't be curled up in my bed feeling sorry for myself. We ate lunch and we socialized.
The pain at this time was still there but hardly noticeable because I was in great company.

But as I'm watching my mother and aunt Isabel play just dance. I'm laughing and seriously it was the best therapy anyone could have asked for.
I felt something wasn't right and sure enough I look down at my pants and my Ostomy bag began to leak. I wouldn't have freaked out but I did because right now I have a plastic rod with stitches in my stoma and honestly it's going to take some getting use to but thank god it
Will be removed tomorrow. We were only given 3 bags for Sunday-Wednesday in case of emergency but I thought everything would be just fine. As my mother and aunt rush in the bedroom and get all the supplies.. I'm shaking, I'm nervous and I'm in pain. My mother holds it all together for the both of us and my aunt she's so fascinated, she wouldn't have cared if she got poop all over her. She was a champ, ready and willing to do anything we asked of her.
Many complications trying to apply the first bag and it wasn't successful, so my aunt and mother began to apply bag #2. I think we knew where we messed up and tried fixing our mistakes but it was quite complicated, so again we failed a second time. Just as my Aunt Jackie was coming in from her weekly meeting. She threw on a pair of gloves and was ready for whatever she needed to conquer. She just said call me Nurse Jackie.

With other complications previous. We were finally successful. You should have seen these women. Already amazing mothers turned into doctors, nurses and probably could have been anything I asked of them. They didn't once complain, they didn't once gross out and they never gave up. If you could have seen them you would have been so proud of them. Always there when needed. My mother is always my rock and has never once let me down but I'm blessed with two other women that can play that same role if ever needed. I love all 3 women with everything I have. And I will be there in return when I'm needed. Gray & old. You beautiful ladies can always count on me. I'll change your diaper, i'll Do whatever is asked of me.

Finally after a long eventful day, I will rest my eyes and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to conquer another day.

You must be able to start each day as a new day and let go of yesterday. You must be able to feel sorry for yourself but not where it takes control of you. You must move forward and see each and every challenge as a way of growing and moving forward. Baby girl. You're stronger then you could have ever of imagined.

The Big day!

Tomorrow is the big day and I feel like I'm starting my first day of junior high. I'm not sure if any of you remember that moment, but I do. I was nervous, scared, excited and had butterflies in my stomach. A huge mix of emotions that I didn't really know how to handle and take it all in. Right now I'm not too sure what emotion to wear on my face. Do I smile because I'm happy and excited to be another step closer or do I cry because I'm nervous and feel quite sick to my tummy. If I cry I might show that I'm weak and I'm nothing close to that. . . It's just that minute you wake up and the pain is so excruciating.. You can't cry because it hurts. You can't laugh because it hurts and you can't move because it hurts. Everyone keeps asking if I'm okay, "yes, I'm okay" and I won't cry. With an overflow of emails, texts & phone calls. Tomorrow.. I am going to be ready.



A prayer that's dear to my heart.


"Lord I pray a hedge of protection for Kayla, I pray you give her peace in her mind, heart and her spirit. I pray for minimal pain, but I ask for heavenly favor and ask that she not have ANY pain at ALL, we serve a big God who can do BIG miracles. So Lord I ask for your protection for Kayla and her daughter Malia, in Jesus Name, by faith , I thank You in advance for the great healing You will do in Kayla's life".

Love you all.

Mercury, I hate you.

Mercury and food intolerances: common causes of chronic conditions related to leaky gut and intestinal dysfunction such as ulcerative colitis, IBS, Crohn’s, eczema, psoriasis, food allergies, arthritis, ADHD, and autoimmune disease; and treatments that improve these conditions. Mercury causes significant destruction of stomach and intestine epithelial cells, resulting in damage  to stomach lining which along with mercury’s ability to bind to SH hydroxyl radical in cell membranesalters permeability and adversely alters bacterial populations in the intestines causing leaky gut syndrome with toxic,incompletely digested complexes in the blood and accumulation of heliobacter pylori, a suspected major factor instomach ulcers and stomach cancer and Candida albicans,as well as poor nutrient absorption.

Dental amalgam has been found by thousands of medical lab tests and by medical studies to be the largest source of mercury exposure in most people who have several amalgam fillings.  Replacement of amalgam fillings and metals detoxification have been found to significantly improve the health of  most with conditions related to bowel dysfunction and leaky gut syndrome.

Thank you.

Just a few more days left, two to be exact.
Even though I know i'm strong and I have friend's, family and complete strangers praying for me. It's tough.
It's just trying to wrap my head around all of this, and to finally say "Kayla, you've come this far, you can finish strong." I know everything will be just fine and that God is going to be with me, holding my hand.
And the doctor's hand, but i'm scared. It's only natural, I am a human being. Just crazy. To think how I got here and with so many people supporting me. It's just amazing.
That you all care.
To open this blog and read it. To write me a message, a comment, a text and a phone call. To know you're praying for me. God brought so many people into my life and i'm beyond thankful. Love you all.

and you know i'll be keeping you updated through my blog during my stay in the hospital. GOD BLESS.

Made this almost a year ago

One week from today!

My surgery is one week from today and I am an emotional wreck. I finally cried after this 5 months of leading up to my surgery, I broke down.
Part of me is extremely happy to be another step closer to having my life back.
But then the rest of me is so nervous and scared. The thought of reopening scar-tissue freaks me out. I remember sharing a room with a woman who had a c-section the 3rd time and she was screaming, crying and whining. She was driving the nurses crazy and wanted more and more pain killers. In that moment all I could be thankful for--was that God gave Malia to me all Natural and no scars, cuts and pain.
So that thought and image is still lingering in my head. I'm afraid more then having a child, raising a child, ulcerative colitis, kidney stones, all the needles, long nights, and even more afraid of this next surgery then the dark and if you know me very well, I'm deathly afraid of the dark.
I know to leave this all in God's hands.
And to be thankful for having this opportunity to have the j-pouch.

My second surgery will consist of: the J-pouch and removing the rest of my colitis in my rectum. So goodbye rectum but you and I haven't gotten a long in a very long time and it will be better for the both of us if we part ways.


The ileoanal reservoir procedure is a surgical treatment option for chronic ulcerative colitis, colon cancer and familial polyposis patients who need to have their large intestine (colon) removed. An ileoanal reservoir (or pouch) is an internal pouch formed of small intestine. This pouch provides a storage place for stool in the absence of the large intestine. Anal sphincter muscles assist in holding in the stool. Several times a day, stool is passed through the anus.

Just some information for the both of us to read on what to expect for
The second surgery (usually done 2-3 months after the first) "takes down" or removes the ileostomy and reconnects the bowel. The pouch now becomes functional so that waste passes into the pouch, where it is stored. When an "urge" is felt, the stool can be passed through the anus, out of the body. In most cases, the second surgery can be done at the ileostomy site without re-opening the first incision. The skin at the former ileostomy site is usually left to close on its own.
What to expect after the second surgery:
Once a patient starts passing stool through the anus, stools are frequent and liquid. There may be accompanying urgency and leakage of stool. All of these aspects improve over time as the anal sphincter muscles strengthen and the pouch adapts to its new function. Stools become thicker as the small intestine absorbs more water. In addition, medications to decrease bowel activity and bulk-forming agents to thicken the stool may be prescribed. Patients can help during this adaptation process by avoiding foods that may cause gas, diarrhea and anal irritation. Careful skin care around the anus will protect the skin from the irritation of frequent stools. Continuing anal sphincter muscles exercises (Kegel Exercises) during this time is also beneficial. After six months, most people can expect about five to six semi-formed bowel movements during the day and one at night. The pouch takes up to one year to fully adapt. In most patients, functioning of the pouch continues to improve over time.

So with that information I just ask for my loved ones to help me in continuing prayers. And your wonderful words and support. And after this procedure I will be Ulcerative Colitis Free! Regardless of the outcome of the surgery and if the j-pouch will be successful. Since I'm not quite there yet but only hope and pray everything goes well. I'm just thankful I was given the opportunity to be allowed to do this procedure with the help of my parents and their wonderful health insurance, friends for the great support and Doctor Fleshner for being such an awesome surgeon.

February 26th at 7:15 am.

Rite-Aid Attack.

My morning started off great. I was feeling like my old-self again and just relaxed. Malia is with her father for the weekend so
It's giving me some time to just take it easy. I had mild to moderate pain in my upper abdomen like yesterday but nothing nearly as painful. I had to fill my prescription so I slowly got myself dressed and headed to Rite-Aid. As I'm pulling up to the intersection the excruciating pain in my upper abdomen was coming back and my first thought was to pull-over but I just kept telling myself I'm stronger than this and maybe if I don't think about it.. It will just go away.

I walk into rite-aid fill my prescription and in that moment I wanted to just throw myself on the floor but I knew I was there alone and people might just think I'm crazy. 15 minute wait and my medications were going to be ready, again I reassured myself that it was going to be okay.

I phoned my mother because at that moment in time she's the only one I wanted to talk too and even though she's miles away I knew she could make everything all feel better.

I walked up and down the aisles because I wanted to surprise my cousin Andrew with a Valentine's day gift.

I was successful. BUT the pain only grew. I went to sit down in the back and my body began to get super hot and I felt like I was going to pass out from the stabbing pain. My aunt called me to let me know she was on here way. Thank god I didn't have Malia with me.

As I'm sitting there the tears started to roll down my face because I just wanted it to be a great day. And I think I'm a little scared that this pain might be acid reflux and heartburn and all those things you experience when you have Crohn's disease.
There's a possibility that my ulcerative
Colitis can turn into Crohn's but I don't know if I could handle that. I've been enjoying eating all my foods and if I'm limited to things that cause me acid reflux now and heart burn. I don't know how well I'm going to be able to handle that and swallow it all.

I know I must stay positive and pray but it's like one thing after another and of course more medication that I have to remember to take and depend on.

My Rite-Aid attack felt so awful and I was scared. My first thought was what if I pass out would anyone help me?

Today was suppose to be filled with roses and chocolates and a delicious dinner setting with my beautiful aunt and uncle. Not sleep the day away in pain..

Let's just hope tomorrow's a better day.

The last few days.

As you all may know-- I've been experiencing a tough week. For the last five months I've felt no pain, no colitis and actually pretty happy with the outcome of my surgery. The only complaint I had was that my doctor wanted me to watch my food in-take and lose weight. Like I hadn't been losing weight and watching what I was eating for the last 3 years of my life. Give me a break. Food has been everything to me. Especially all the bad things I couldn't have I wanted more of.

This morning at 3 am I woke with excruciating upper abdomen pain and it was like somebody was stabbing me
Over and over again. The pain was shooting to my lower back and if I laid on my bed it only got worse. I also felt very nauseous and I wanted to cry my eyes out or hold my mother's hand like I was a child. It was a pain I have never experienced in my life and I hope I never have to experience it again. It lasted until about 10 am. I was finally able to close my eyes and get a little bit of rest before we had to rush to the hospital.

I must add: two weeks ago I started bleeding a large amount from my rectum and if you don't already know. NOTHiNG comes from back there anymore since my colostomy. . So it was pretty scary. My doctor wanted to see me right away. He prescribed enemas which I absolute hate and I think they hate me too, so since those I've been doing okay but not the best. He just keeps counting down until my surgery and tells me to hang on. Only a few more weeks to go.

I'll be completely Ulcerative Colitis free.
And I only pray and hope I can move on from this.
To all of you out there: you have showed me such great support and your words make me feel so good. To know you have people rooting for you and holding your hand through this entire process makes you want to keep fighting harder and put your game face on.. To make everyone proud!
So I will continue to do that: for 13 more days and If I break down to cry for just a moment bare with me.

I'll pick myself back up with the help of my family and friends and I'll smile like I do everyday. . .


Thank you for all the support.