I felt pain, I felt sorrow and honestly since my surgery I kind of just wanted to lay down and feel sorry for myself. It's tough, and it's frustrating and most of the time I'm pretty strong and carry a brave face, but today my body ached, my heart hurt and my stoma was throbbing.
I was in and out of sleep for most the morning and the entire afternoon, and then my mind was going 1,000 times a minute. It would wake me up and I'd be drenched in sweat from my dreams and then when I woke up I realized that even though right now my life feels like a struggle and this BAG is still attached to me. I'm still so much better of a person then to lay in this bed and feel sorry for myself.
So, I slept for a little longer and had to just snap out of it. It helped that my mother is a wonderful lady who has amazing sister's that would go to the end of the world for me.. My Tia Isabel showed up today after her dentist appointment and we all just laid on my bed and in that moment I wanted to cry, I wanted to let all my emotions out but could you imagine four ladies crying in one room.
So I held it in and I just enjoyed the moment and soaked it all in. Because God has blessed me with this support system that is so strong and even though I'm not going to die and even though I'm holding myself together. It wouldn't be possible without all of you.
We moved the group into the living where my cousin and uncle joined and only added to how great my life is and how I shouldn't be curled up in my bed feeling sorry for myself. We ate lunch and we socialized.
The pain at this time was still there but hardly noticeable because I was in great company.
But as I'm watching my mother and aunt Isabel play just dance. I'm laughing and seriously it was the best therapy anyone could have asked for.
I felt something wasn't right and sure enough I look down at my pants and my Ostomy bag began to leak. I wouldn't have freaked out but I did because right now I have a plastic rod with stitches in my stoma and honestly it's going to take some getting use to but thank god it
Will be removed tomorrow. We were only given 3 bags for Sunday-Wednesday in case of emergency but I thought everything would be just fine. As my mother and aunt rush in the bedroom and get all the supplies.. I'm shaking, I'm nervous and I'm in pain. My mother holds it all together for the both of us and my aunt she's so fascinated, she wouldn't have cared if she got poop all over her. She was a champ, ready and willing to do anything we asked of her.
Many complications trying to apply the first bag and it wasn't successful, so my aunt and mother began to apply bag #2. I think we knew where we messed up and tried fixing our mistakes but it was quite complicated, so again we failed a second time. Just as my Aunt Jackie was coming in from her weekly meeting. She threw on a pair of gloves and was ready for whatever she needed to conquer. She just said call me Nurse Jackie.
With other complications previous. We were finally successful. You should have seen these women. Already amazing mothers turned into doctors, nurses and probably could have been anything I asked of them. They didn't once complain, they didn't once gross out and they never gave up. If you could have seen them you would have been so proud of them. Always there when needed. My mother is always my rock and has never once let me down but I'm blessed with two other women that can play that same role if ever needed. I love all 3 women with everything I have. And I will be there in return when I'm needed. Gray & old. You beautiful ladies can always count on me. I'll change your diaper, i'll Do whatever is asked of me.
Finally after a long eventful day, I will rest my eyes and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to conquer another day.
You must be able to start each day as a new day and let go of yesterday. You must be able to feel sorry for yourself but not where it takes control of you. You must move forward and see each and every challenge as a way of growing and moving forward. Baby girl. You're stronger then you could have ever of imagined.
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