Keep calm or else you get Ulcerative Colitis

I haven't wrote a blog in a few days which feels like ages. I think I've been kind of trying to block out the fact that I'm dealing with any of this. But I have my low moments. Lately, I've felt quite numb to it all and I feel sort of depressed. I shouldn't even use that word because I'm pretty sure that isn't the right one because I don't think I really truly can say I'm DEPRESSED. That is such a strong word. I just feel hopeless and helpless at times. I have so many people doing for me and I always kind of wonder if they get tired of it. . . .
First, it was Malia's father who went above and beyond for me. I always ask myself and replay our last 3 years together and how much stress and strain my illness was on our relationship. Makes you wonder if that's why we didn't make it. I know you should always be there for your significant other, but I know I lost who I was in the relationship. I wasn't fun anymore, I wasn't Kayla.
Second, it's my mother. She has been working her butt of to make sure her hours are enough so that I can have insurance. She hasn't had a vacation because her time off was saved for me and nights spent in the hospital. She just does so much and I feel like quite a burden at times. She has a sick child. It takes a strong and incredible woman to be by your child's side through it all. I just hope it isn't too much.
Third, there is my Tia Jackie. She always doing and doing. An angel you would call her.
Fourth, Julia the neighbor. She's been here through my journey.
Fifth, all of you. Reading my blog and telling me what a strong woman I am, and how you feel about me.


It is so amazing the support and the way my loved ones and complete strangers make me feel. But I just hope nobody ever gets tired of doing for me. Like I said, I feel helpless and hopeless. I just want to help everyone who's helped me and I'm a pretty creative person and usually I have a billon and one ideas but not this time. I'm just tired of being the sick girl.. The one that is trying to hold it together and prove I'm strong enough for all of this.
I want to be the girl that was full of life and could light up the room and make everyone laugh. Dance without worrying my bag is going to pop or leak. Stop worrying if people can see this Ostomy bag through my clothes. Not being able to travel or work because I have another surgery or doctors appointment that's coming up. It's like a pain that makes you want to cry but the tears aren't coming out. It's a weird feeling, I'm exhausted and tired and just want to sleep the entire day away. I want to have all the energy my three year old has so we can go play at the park, chase each other around, or have enough energy to get through the entire day with her. Without saying "Malia not today." Less then 6 weeks away and I feel hopeless and helpless. I am getting excited to go back to work but then I wonder if I'll be able to even find a job, worried about the interview process and worried if I'll ever find myself again. The joy in life. The person I once was before all of this.. Before the stupid illness. And the acne on my face. I worry about my liver and kidneys. All the things I had to go through with this disease.. I want to sit with my best friend's for hours and not have to worry about a thing. I want to go to the beach and run through the waves, put sand all over my body, wear a bikini and not have to worry about my damn bag. Or an anti-fungal cream or powder I have to put on every hour because then ill start itching and then my anxiety will act up. I just want to be normal again. Run in the water with not a single worry in the world. I want to be able to be the Kayla that I know I am.. So that maybe just maybe Malia's father will find a way to love me again. I just am really sad right now. I saw the picture below and thought to myself.. Ulcerative Colitis does suck. It's not cancer.. Thank you God. It's not going to kill me but it has taken away so much of who I am and the enjoyment of life and the beauty in it. I've lost all of that because I let this disease take control of me. Ulcerative Colitis beat me up and took exactly what it wanted out of me, but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired Ulcerative colitis.. You won't win this one because I am not going to let you define me. I am going to fight and fight everyday for Kayla. She's in there and you haven't won. I will never be depressed because of you. I am over you.. Goodbye, Ulcerative Colitis.. you suck!