I want thoughts to come pouring out but nothing seems to come to mind. I'm happy most of the time and knowing my surgeries are coming to an end, I'm even more happier. Who wouldn't be? But I'm getting nervous again, this time around.
I might get very graphic in this blog. But it's how I truly feel and my soul-purpose for this blog is to really just be myself and to let it all go. Once I'm done writing I feel like a part of me is free-again. Like I can go on with my day, my week, my night, and hopefully after all of this has past I can go on with my life.
I think or should I say I know I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of letting Malia down and my family because if I let this disease define me and take away my character I'm not being true to myself and I'm not living.
I don't want to wake up one day and be disappointed in my decisions. Like was this surgery in the best interest for not only me but Malia. I think yes? Or I else I wouldn't have done it. BUT what if my j-pouch doesn't succeed. What if I'm not strong enough to handle it. I'm having dreams about this--all of the time. What is wrong with me? And they are usually dark and scary dreams. Who in thier right mine just dreams about this stuff? It's so weird to me, and I just want them to go away.
After surgery #2. I have a list of complaints and I want to share them because if I don't then I'm not being true to myself and to all of you. I hated it and everything that it has become to this point. For example: My Stoma has been giving me problems since day one. I can't seem to keep my bowels solid, just per liquid. I'm constantly having to use the restroom and emptying my bag, it makes a lot more noise this time around and the gas is extremely annoying. There will be nights ill wake up and my bag is full- to the max and hard as a rock. Many many leaks and I feel this time around it smells more. Like everyone around me can smell it. Maybe that's just me, but the itching under the bag isn't. And it's so frustrating. I'll catch myself, itching or patting my skin in public and I hate that. I feel this time around everyone can notice my bag. I use to change my bag every 3-5 days, most of the time I was able to get away with 5 days and that was amazing; however that isnt the case this time. If i go 2 days, my itching and rash become unbearable and I just want to scream. The stoma this time around has two openings and one leads to my j-pouch. I guess I could use medical terms but I'm writing this blog so that everyone can understand in my terms. One hole produces mucus and the other is where my bowel comes out of, so some nights I have accidents which are extremely weird because it's just clear-liquid coming from my behind. (I'm trying to remember not to say BUTT because then Malia laughs.) but I guess that's just the mucus but it's uncontrollable at times, which makes me nervous because I dont have control of it all of the time and i'm just worried that's how it's going to be once I get my j-pouch connected.
When I made the decison to do the surgery I was ready for anything. Before surgery 2 I could have lived with my ostomy bag for the rest of my life, no complaints, but this time, I dont know if i'm just weak or if it's just getting a little too much to handle. The recovery period for surgery 2 was a piece of cake especially when you have A mother named Lucy & an aunt named Jackie.
But seriously, the after effects of this surgery just makes me want to lay in bed all day. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything. There are days when I dont even want to get dressed, only by force. It's just tiring, and frustrating to have to put on clothes and fear everyone can see your BAG.
My follow-up appoinment after surgery was awful. I got really bad anxiety because I knew the procedure involved putting something in my anus and I dont like that. My last doctor would check me every 4 weeks and it always put me in a bad mood. Dr. Fleshner warned me that once I get my j-pouch i'll be having that procedure done every 3 months. GREAT! I'm jumping for joy right now. NOT. But I guess i'll learn to enjoy it, deal with it and move on.
Today a wonderful lady sent me this:
"Always remember you are braver than you believe, Stronger than you seem, Smarter than you think & Twice as Beautiful as you'de ever IMAGINED."
I'll hold on to that for a very long time, because I dont think i'm brave, I think I was given this illness as a punishment in life, I'm not strong, I cry most of the time, I think i'm pretty smart if I apply myself. And I lost alot of my confidience to even believe or think I'm beautiful. ---- But give me one minute to explain myself. That's how I thought before people started reading my blog and that's how I felt when I was sick and alone and going through this all by myself. I didnt know or think people could ever understand what I was going through. Just thought "Oh poor me, i'm sick." BUT with all this amazing support and the strength it has given me. I do think so much differently now.
And I know i'll be that person to believe those things one day, like that quote. Once this month is over I will be complete again. I will look past all of this and thank every single one of you personally for being by my-side through this journey. I dont care what it takes, or if I get a writers cramp. I'm just amazed. GOD is the most powerful and wonderful man to make me feel like i'm on cloud 9 with the people that I have in my corner and that are rooting for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
For giving me the strength to wake up in the morning and fight, fight, fight.
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