If you've been reading my blog since day one. Thank you.
I wish I could take away your pain, your depression, your anger, your sadness, the why me's and the stress of dealing with this disease or life. I wish you didnt have to go through any heart-breaks, health issues, financial issues or feeling alone. Having a disease puts you at the end of a ledge and you dont know whether you should jump or if you should step away from that ledge and fight.
I reached a point in my illness where I wanted to jump and I thought I couldnt do this anymore. Nobody understood, the fight I put up everyday. The struggle it was to wake up in the morning and say I can live another day. Yes, I have my daughter who has been the greatest blessing through this all because she gave me the reason to fight and fight but you dont know what it does to your head. The emotional aspect of it all. BUT you have to be STRONGER than that. You have to fight harder and you have to realize you have so many people that would stand with you in your corner. You may not be able to call them Family, friends, people you've known for years. BUT you have millions of people suffereing with illnesses, diseases and everyday life. If I could reach through this computer and hold your hand and take away all the hurt I would, but I cant. I know you feel alone right now, but you're not. Take a look around.. find a support group, talk to a complete stranger, maybe even your night nurse when you're in the hospital. It really does help, it's extremely therapeutic, but holding it in and not talking about it only breaks you as a person and plays emotional and mental head games with you.
God puts people in your life so that you could learn things about yourself that you never knew existed.
God gives you the strength you need to conquer the most difficult situations by placing hands or people in your life that bring out the joy, and make you realize you're so much better of a human-being than you give yourself credit for.
God doesnt give you anything you cant handle, he closes one door and then opens another. He gives you strength to handle anything that comes your way. He guides you through the obstacles when the devil places them there.
This blog might be longer then all the others but I had a billion emotions run through my head today. I didnt know whether to be happy, to cry, to scream, to jump up and down for joy, to call a friend, to talk my aunts ear off, to be scared, to be all of these emotions, in one single day.
I had my pre-op appointment today to let me know how my J-pouch has healed and if it is going to be ready for fridays surgery. You have to put that gown on before you enter the x-ray room and the nurse tells you to remove clothes from the waist down. Of course I'm scared at this moment because I dont know if the procedure is going to hurt, I always assume that it's going to because then if it doesnt, at least i'm prepared. The x-ray didnt hurt at all, if you're wondering. They stuck a little tub into my BUTT, and they filled it with dye. They wanted to make sure there was no leaks coming from my j-pouch and they took many photos and asked me to move around. They said I might experience cramping but It went pretty well. After the procedure, I cleaned up and headed down to the surgeon's office. I was excited to see him. I'm just ready to put this all past me. He began to do his procedure and i'm not even going to explain that because if you're considering the surgery, this might just change your mind and you have to get it done every 3 months after the final surgery, so let's just say. RELAX, BREATHE and close your eyes and you'll be just fine. The final result was that i'm ready to conquer surgery number 3, i'm offically Ulcerative Colitis Free and that My Ostomy Bag will be gone at 7:15 am on Friday Morning. I could have kissed Dr. Fleshner's feet at that moment. God placed his hands on Doctor Fleshner and got me to where I'm at today. He's pretty amazing and he will be there friday, so he told me not to be any of those emotions but HAPPY, so tonight, I'll go to bed happy.
I never thought someone could actually feel happy and excited for surgery, but after 3 years and 8 months, I'm just ready to be me again. My 1st purchase will be a bathing suit and my 1st thriller will be to jump out of a plane (Skydiving) and my 1st step to move on with my life will be to get a gym membership and join something that will help me earn confidence back. According to Malia I will be Working again.. She says, "After Friday, you can get a Job." Thanks Malia, but I really am ready to go back to work and have a social life again.
I also want to stress in this blog, that just because I haven't mentioned you doesnt mean I dont love and apperciate all that you have done for me. I could name so many people who have been with me through this journey. Whether it was being at my surgery, the gifts, holding my hand, wiping my tears, bathing me, reading to me, painting my nails, calling me, texting me, donating money to CCFA, for traveling, for emotional support, for words of encouragement, for reading this blog... I am thankful for you everyday, and I pray and I write your name down in my journal.
This blog is meant to focus on things that one will go through during a life changing event, through surgery, through having to deal with a disease. It doesnt only affect the person who is sick, it affects the community, your friends, your family, your parents, your significant other, your child, your job, and your well-being. Everyone around you changes, things change and the way you use to see yourself changes. I apologize if I havent mentioned you, or wrote a blog about you but it doesnt mean I dont recongize how much this has affected you as well. Thank you and I'll keep saying thank you for being there for me when the road got too long for me to walk alone. Thank you for believing in me, helping me financially or for pushing me to be a better person.
Before I die all I ask is I change one persons life, because than I know I lived.
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